A Day in the Life of a Sim

As I've mentioned before, The Sims and all its many grandchildren were, and still are, a big part of my gaming habit. But I got to thinking... what does the world look like to a Sim? With some oblivious dipstick like me ruling over every step of every day from cradle to grave, how would a regular person react if they could in such a situation? Here's what I think the Sims see from their level on a typical given day under my command:

12:08 am - Still watching TV. It's been hours now, with the same 5 minutes of programming stuck on repeat. I really wouldn't mind reading a book or squeezing in a nice jog before hitting the hay. But I can't seem to will myself off the couch. TV it is, I guess. 

12:40 am - Hittin' the fridge. Grabbing some... what is this, week-old pancakes? Really? I'm pretty sure I saw some leftover pizza in there. That looked pretty good. No? Ballsacks. Alright then. I mean, my girlfriend's the one who likes pancakes. I kinda made these for her, really. But yeah, sure. Pancakes. Grapes pancakes. Why does the package say "Grapes" and not just "Grape"? Who even puts grapes in pancakes? Who... why is that even a thing? Who puts grapes in anything, for that matter? And why am I eating right before bed? I'm just gonna have to wake up in the middle of the night to take a dump. Like always. 

12:45 am - Man...... screw pancakes. 

14 of the Worst Sportsfolk Ever Allowed on a Field (Part 2)

The epic conclusion to one of the most beloved classics in modern blogging history! Heartstrings will be tugged. Tensions will run high. Popcorn will be spilled. Don't miss a single moment! Let the beginning of the end commence!

(Before you start, be sure to check out Part 1!)


7. Maurice Flitcroft

As seen on: Golf

Technically, Maurice Flitcroft never made it to the pros. But technically, Maurice Flitcroft was absotively, posilutlely bananas.

"Dad always told me there was money in the banana stand."

Even though he never made it past the British Open - and he never should have made it that far - going pro was Flitcroft's dream, and no one, not even his record-breakingly bad golf game, was going to tell him otherwise.

14 of the Worst Sportsfolk Ever Allowed on a Field (Part 1)

There's a little bit of sports fan in all some a few of us. I, myself, am a baseball man, though I take in the occasional (American) football - or "handegg" if you prefer - and basketball game, too. Those of us who have the appropriately-colored blood pumping through our veins love to cheer for our favorite teams and hope to frighten the others with our boos until they collapse in a puddle of piss and shame.

Or wet themselves laughing.

Unfortunately, no team is ever perfect, as much as any rabid fan or PR agent would love for you to believe. Even the '95 Bulls had Randy Brown. He wasn't bad, per se, certainly not enough to earn him a spot on the list, but he missed 6 of every 10 shots he took that season. Not exactly highlight reel stuff. And every fan's been there: we've all had to shake our heads through at least one player whose performance is more akin to an autistic, one-armed chimpanzee folding a paper airplane. This list is a celebration of truly some of the worst in professional point-scoring. I've tried to keep it varied, so that each of the big sports gets some representation.

So, without further adieu, those whose collective presence anywhere other than the stands is still more baffling to science than string theory or black holes.

The 6 Stupidest Gamer Complaints

Video games are, in this day and age, nothing short of an art form. Like any other medium, they (should) strive to convey meaningful stories with compelling characters based in a living, breathing world with the added bonus of engaging, addictive, and evolving gameplay. Now, there are numerous titles (lookin' at you, sports games) that may not call for narrative storytelling, and that's okay. Like all art, the audience needs to understand the intent and purpose of each piece before making judgments. And, like all art, much of the audience completely fails at doing so.

Games have a growing number of critics, especially among their fans, and as games get more and more refined, so do the people who play them. Unfortunately, there are those among us who seem to have unequivocally missed the point altogether, bringing to the table such retarded complaints as...

5 Popular Foods and Their Baffling Origins

Food is just kinda one of those things, you know? One of those ubiquitous things that we just can't seem to get through life without bumping into every now and again.

"Oh, I'd really rather not..."

Thankfully, a number of scientists have dedicated their lives to engineering the perfect flavors, so that the burden of eating is not so unbearable. And generally, it's the tastier foods that become the most popular.

Generally.

All this flavor-exploding, however, may be part of a larger conspiracy to distract the populous from the bizarre truths behind many of our favorite foods. As it turns out...

6 Misconceptions Anime Is Teaching Our Kids

I, like so many other infinitely awesome people, enjoy reading manga and watching anime. Like any good cartoon, the creators take certain... liberties when it comes to storytelling, physics, and general common sense. However, Japan, for all its talk of honor and pride and dignity, is notorious for being a shameless den of perverts. So naturally, some of that over-the-top psychosis tends to bleed through into one of their greatest exports: anime. Western cartoons may be silly, and often fail to teach children anything more than the most impractical method of blowing bubbles, but the most they usually defy is the occasional law of the physical universe. Anime prefers to defy every law of every universe as well as the very notions of reason and sanity.

Every. Single. Episode.

Something, Something, Dawn of a New Day

So, you may have noticed a new look about the ol' Nonsense Can. I felt it was about time to move on from the old LEGO look, and into the future of now. Or whatever.

"Synergize the geostreams!"

I would like to thank the brilliant Joaquim Borges for letting me use his awesome Yotsuba fan art for the new background. Please be sure to check out his other quirky, knock-out artwork over at deviantART.

I also chose (or rather, finally figured out how) to widen the actual blog-space... thing. Because, surprisingly, I am aware that many people these days have widescreen monitors, and a lot of space on the edges was being wasted. Furthermore, I was kind of sick of each line holding about a toothpick's worth of words. To top it all off, the new background segues into my next article on anime perfectly, so you can be on the lookout for that in the next day or two.

Anywho, hopefully you guys enjoy the re-engineered Nonsense in a Can as much as I do. It's been over a year since I started this rickety old joint, and I hope to distract you from your everyday responsibilities for many years to come. To infinity and beyond!

7 Terrible Candidates for Scratch n' Sniff Films

Odorama. Smell-O-Vision. Whatever the method, the crappy idea is still the same: deliver smells to a theater audience that coincide with what is seen and heard on screen. Both were rather short-lived concepts, and for good reason - most movies aren't filled with apple pie monsters and gingerbread guns. They're mostly fart jokes, dead bodies, sweaty pits, and marijuana. But, among all the pot smoke and toilet humor, there are a few choice movies that would not only upset an audience's collective stomachs, but probably leave half of them dead.

7. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy 
The epic fantasy series by Peter Jackson and crew is based on perhaps the most well-conceived fictional world in storytelling history. Much of its appeal lies in the same arena as what made the original Star Wars films so timeless: realism. Both series feature gritty, rundown locales populated with hideous creatures and depressingly flawed characters. They're not shiny and new and perfect - they're falling apart at the seams and trying their best just to sputter on to the next day, like our own world. But the "hideous creatures" that more-or-less infect the lands of Middle Earth are extra hideous. Like... Resident Evil hideous.

9 out of 10 dentists recommend NOT being a puppet of Saruman.

Summer and All Such Good Things

WHOA!

*COUGH* *HACK* *WHEEZE*

Yikes. Sorry about that, folks. It's been a while, hasn't it? How are ya? Yeah? Kids doin' good? Great! I see you got a new car. Nice, it looks good. You look good, too, you been working out? Alright... well, look it was great seeing you... maybe we can get together sometime for coffee or something... you know, catch up on life and everything. What? Oh, I have to go now. Well I have this... thing. No, I can't talk about it, it's classified. Look, you have my number, right? Just hit me up later and maybe we can grab lunch. I know some great places. Yeah, take care.

1 WEEK LATER, AT THIS GREAT PLACE I KNOW...

The Little Revisionist Western Kids Comedy That Could

So, a while back, my family took me out for my birthday to see the latest contender for Best Animated Film of the Year, Rango. And I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. Confused, yes, but in a good way. You see, the film was produced by none other than Nickelodeon Movies who, as a company, are noted for making kids stuff.

Never forget.

And Rango was billed no differently - a silly kids comedy about a talking lizard who gets lost in the desert and discovers an Old West-style society of other talking animals, and they make fart jokes for the children and thinly veiled sexual innuendos for the parents who are still listening. But, dear reader, that is a lie. Whatever Nickelodeon told you about this film is a complete and utter falsity (well, no, there are still a few fart jokes). Rango is a kids comedy in much the same way Disney/PIXAR's UP was. That is to say, hardly at all. While UP lured you in with its promise of heartwarming adventure and the occasional joke, only to dehydrate your tear ducts for the other hour and a half of the film, Rango entices you with silly characters, harrowing action scenes, and the rustic charm of the American West, but it delivers so much more in the form of strong dramatic narrative and thematic existentialism threaded throughout. That is my warning to those of you who have yet to enjoy this brilliant little film: THIS IS NOT A KIDS COMEDY. This is a surprisingly dense revisionist western wrapped up in a kids comedy quesadilla. And if you're anything like me, you'll need to see it more than once.

A Series of Unfortunate Muscle Contractions

So, tonight while I was at work, I found myself rummaging through our supplies drawer in search of mints or the essence of joy or whatever. I eventually managed to find a small package of gum with a single, lonely stick remaining. Someone, in their evil genius, had torn the front of the packaging off, removing any trace or indication of what flavor the gum was. All I knew was that it was of the Trident Layers variety, which combine multiple flavors together in a taste explosion much like the exploding gum from Mission Impossible.

"And then it's all, BAM! Blue Raspberry outta nowhere."

Friday! Friday! A Day Which Will Live in Fun-famy! And Shame.

If you haven't already been treated to the musical, lyrical, and visual abortion that is Rebecca Black's Friday video, you simply must. I'd venture to guess that this video may someday even replace Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up as the go-to hyperlink prank. But, beneath the horrifyingly inane lyrics ("Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday, Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards."), the laughably bad tween "dancing", the head-scratching video effects, and Usher's inexplicable rap cameo, there may lie motives far more sinister.

"On second thought, why don't you just take the bus."

A Comprehensive List of Things That Make My Day

Read the title.

   Now read it again.

      Read it once more!

Bwahahahaaa!

*Ahem* Let's begin....

A Comprehensive List of Things That Freaking Creep Me Out

Read the title. You're good to go.

Speak Now or Become a Zombie: Guest Post From the Future!

So, since I'm way not cool or special enough to have a real person waste their time writing a guest post yet, I decided to ask my future self to write one for me. Unfortunately, by that point, I had become too cool and special (and douchey, apparently), and I refused to help "present me" in any way, shape, or form. But I put myself in touch with another dude from the future, Dennis. He was nice enough to give me some of the details about how fresh the future is, as well as some of the horrors that await us as a species...

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy!!! What's bubblin' dudes and dudettes? So, I'm Dennis, and I'm writin' to you geeks and freaks from 2037. Your friend, Adam, is gonna be turning 49 soon. His surprise b-day party is being held at Leapin' Lizards I think (yeah, they're still around), so shhh. Now, I'm sure you're all probably wondering about the big questions like "who became President?", "who wins the Super Bowl?", "are there flying cars?", and "when do they revive Walt Disney's corpse and establish the Fourth Reich?" All legitimate questions, but I think there are several, more important issues you may also be interested in along the way. Probably the biggest happening in the past few decades (aside from the Bacon Shortage of 2025, which I'll get to shortly) was the Zombie Wars. I know we all joked about it as kids; maybe some of us actually dreamed of the day we would fight back wave after wave of the undead with nothing more than a shotgun, a Beretta, and a blood-soaked machete. Well, you will get your wish, fair citizen, and so much more.

Madison and Back Again: A Sibling's Tale

So, last night, my sister and I drove up to Madison, WI to see Marc Broussard live (as in, "play in person", not "watch him eat breakfast and go about his day"). We were a bit wary, as the venue was about a block away from the Wisconsin capitol building, which was, that very day, playing host to some 40,000 various protesters from both the pro-worker unions and the Tea Party. Thankfully, by the time we got there, only a handful of the protesters remained, and the city had quieted down to its (presumably) normal state of "hipster invasion". Beards, flannel, and ironically un-ironic hats were inescapable. And they naturally congregated to the Majestic Theatre for Broussard's soulful crooning, along with some really obnoxious business dudes (who, as luck would have it, stood right behind us); some drunk married women who wanted nothing more than to flaunt the last remains of their waning sexuality to a crowd of uninterested music snobs; and that one creepy, old, balding (though still rockin' a ponytail!) guy in the front corner who kept having rhythmic seizures to every song.

"It's okay! He's just dancing!"

Sleepin' Late on a Saturday: Discovering Marc Broussard

First, let me say I'm a little frustrated by this month's Musical Discovery, Marc Broussard. And you wouldn't like me when I'm frustrated.

That's your hypothetical computer, by the way, not mine.

Here's why: it is dang near impossible to find any (legal) quality recordings of this guy's music anywhere. Pretty much all the YouTube videos of him were recorded on cell phones or worse. He's only released a couple official music videos, and his fans seem to think that sharing his genius with the rest of the world is nothing short of a felony.

5 Life Lessons From an Altruistic Aussie

Now, I'm not much of a cooking show kinda guy, but every now and again I'll find one that intrigues me enough to bring me back for seconds (see what I did there?). Now, since my culinary experience mostly amounts to taking things out of their packaging and, if need be, microwaving them, I don't really like super-serious, ultra-complex shows; in fact, I personally think that the host is just as important as the food, if not more so. You might think I'd thus go for attractive female cooks like Rachel Ray, but you'd be wrong. See, the problem with Rachel Ray and her saucy (did it again!) counterparts, is that the woman is more delicious looking than the food. And, unfortunately, I can't make one of her at home with a few simple ingredients and a little elbow grease.

She comes pre-heated.

So, with the recent blizzard here in the Chicago area (well, all over the place, really), everyone's been snowed in, and I've spent some quality time on the Netflix Watch Instantly page, surfing for some good, lite TV to gorge myself on. I stumbled upon a show called Take Home Chef starring a charming Aussie named Curtis Stone. It's been a lot of fun, and I've picked up a few interesting life lessons to complement all the cooking advice that's gone in one ear and out the other...

Johnny Winter: Musical Discovery of the Month

I will be the first to admit that I am nowhere close to a music "aficionado". I love music, and am a firm believer in the idea that life should be more musical, whether that entails more song-and-dance numbers or epic scores to accompany everyday life. I mean, come on... who doesn't want Clint Mansell's "Requiem for a Dream" playing every time they open a stubborn jar of pickles or bike to the 7-11? However, despite my appreciation and adoration for the art, I cannot truthfully claim that I am some encyclopedic buff with a sweeping knowledge that covers the entire scope of musical history. I have the various bands that I enjoy, and that's about it. I don't go digging under rocks for those treasures buried in the windswept sands of forgotten time. I don't hang out at local underground bars in hopes of discovering the next "indie" phenom. I do, however, have access to programs like Rhapsody and, more recently, Pandora, and they're helping to open up my world musically, allowing me to freely explore as many different artists and genres as my heart desires.

And so, I thought it might be fun to share this journey with you guys, posting a new "Musical Discovery of the Month" every, well... month. Hopefully, you might be able to find a few new favorites here, too. So, without any further adieu, I'd like to introduce my first ever DiscoMo (????).

A Stroll Through the Cr(app) Store

I was searching through the App Store on my iPod recently and accidentally found this little gem tucked away in a corner. If you visit the link and click "more" under the Description section, you'll see this flight reference app is "useful for passengers and pilot" and can even be used "during flight to learn more about turbulence and ash clouds". Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm suspended in a moderately uncomfortable chair 35,000 feet above Nowhere, USA, I don't want my pilot referencing a $1.99 app on his phone to learn more about freaking anything.

A rough estimate of Nowhere, USA.

In light of this, I've decided to go in search of a few more apps that may have sounded great on paper, but kind of blow chunks on Retina Display. They may be crisp, clear, vibrantly detailed chunks, but they're chunks nonetheless.