5 Popular Foods and Their Baffling Origins

Food is just kinda one of those things, you know? One of those ubiquitous things that we just can't seem to get through life without bumping into every now and again.

"Oh, I'd really rather not..."

Thankfully, a number of scientists have dedicated their lives to engineering the perfect flavors, so that the burden of eating is not so unbearable. And generally, it's the tastier foods that become the most popular.

Generally.

All this flavor-exploding, however, may be part of a larger conspiracy to distract the populous from the bizarre truths behind many of our favorite foods. As it turns out...


5. Wedding Cake Was a Vehicle for Spousal Abuse

The tradition of wedding feasts traverses all the way back to Biblical times, but it was the ancient Romans who really drove home the idea of a wedding cake. Don't give them too many innovation points, though, as the cakes were not so much used for eating as they were for smashing over the bride's head. It was customary in that culture for the groom to beat his new wife on the noggin with barley or wheat cake as a symbol of good fortune.

Truly, we are blessed.

The presumably-less-happy couple would then eat a few of the crumbs, called "confarreatio", leaving the rest of the tragedy on the floor for the guests to collect as good-luck tokens. Not to eat, just to stuff in whatever the toga equivalent of pockets is.

Red plastic cups?

In later years, the guests were given "confetto" - a mix of nuts and dried fruit - to pelt the newlyweds with as they ran the gauntlet of marital bliss. The tradition of showering the bride and groom with everything from rice and flower petals to confetti paper and bubbles has continued to this very day.

As the world entered the Age of Enlightenment, though, beating one's bride as the first act of marriage was frowned upon, and was saved for a later occasion (her failure to bear sons). But the wedding cake was still used as an instrument of torture, its role simply becoming more subtle and sinister. By the 17th century, "bride's pyes" as they were called, were ornate crusts often stuffed with a delightful combination of oysters, pine kernels, cockscombs (those awesome Mohawks roosters have), and lamb testicles.

"'Scuse me?"

They would also throw a few spices in there, either to trick the bride into thinking she wasn't eating lamb testes, or possibly just to further patronize her on what was quickly dropping off her "Top 10 Greatest Moments of My Life" list. These abominations were still being served in parts of England as late as the Industrial Revolution. Even with the birth of steam engines, telephones, airplanes, and oh yeah women's suffrage, brides were still being forced to play Iron Stomach in front of all their friends and family.

It wasn't until our more modern civilization began to flourish, that our sensibilities about abuse in the nuclear family and gender equality finally put an end to such demoralizing wedding traditions. Oh, wait... 


4. Potato Chips Were a Product of Spite

Back in 1853, a Native American named George Crum was working in the kitchen of a high-end resort in Saratoga Springs, New York. Ever since Thomas Jefferson had brought back the recipe from his ambassador-ing in France, Americans had been clamoring for these new "French fry" dealies. As tradition called for, Crum sliced the potatoes into thick wedges and, well, fried them. The customer who ordered the dish, however, was displeased with their girth and promptly refused them.

"I also require more women!"

Confused, but aiming to please, Crum sliced a thinner batch and fried them up. The customer, who was apparently one of Gordon Ramsay's ancestors, was still unhappy with the size of his fries, and sent them back again.

"@*%#ing dapper!"

Now righteously pissed and wondering why these damn white people cared so much about their stupid French fries, Crum decided to rain down his fury in the only way his employers would legally permit. Sadly, it did not involve pistols at twenty paces. He sliced a potato as thin as physics would allow and fried those into what are now commonly known as "chips".

His plan backfired, however, and the customer was tickled pink at the novel little snacks. Crum would later open his own restaurant where each table was adorned with a basket of his famous "potato crisps". They took America by storm, birthed a billion-dollar industry, and are, to this day, still a more important commodity to us than renewable energy. 


3. Soft Drinks Were Magical Curatives

That's right. Now believed to be one of the leading contributors to obesity and type-2 diabetes in America, soft drinks were originally billed as miracle tonics which could cure just about any ailment. While it's true that some of the original sodas contained medicinal herbs, most of them were what we know and love today: flavored fizz.

Carbonated water (later called "soda water") came about in the late 1760s, when an Englishman by the very English name Joseph Priestly presumably saw a pot of boiling water and said "I like that. I want my water to always do that." So he discovered a way to carbonate water and the rest is history, right?

Wrong. You see, back in those days, the mineral water in natural springs was believed (and is still believed today) to possess healing properties, and that bathing in the stuff was a curative process. Scientists, like Priestly, soon discovered that these mineral springs received their bubbly demeanor from carbon dioxide gas seeping up from below the surface. It was then that they decided such miraculous juju must be harnessed and sold for a hefty profit. And that's just what they did. Soda water was peddled around the world, and eventually found a key market in the burgeoning and untamed American West. Traveling salesmen would advertise their "wonder tonics" to every naive cowboy and Indian they met. By the mid 1800s, many pharmacies were adding special blends of medicine and flavoring to help the tonics appeal to adults and kiddies alike. Many of the most popular brands of soft drink were developed during this time, from 7up, to Dr Pepper, to Brad's Drink (wisely renamed "Pepsi-Cola" in later years). Most were concoctions by soda fountain owners or bored pharmacists, and most of them were about as healthful as anything else in that day and age.

Oprah-approved!

But perhaps one of the more notable recipes sprung up in Atlanta, Georgia in May of 1886. Dr. John Pemberton decided he wanted in on some of that soda water action, and went to work in his mad science lab. One of the key ingredients in his refreshing new elixir of life was considered a miracle drug at the time: cocaine. It was thought to cure just about everything - headaches, toothaches, coughs, sea sickness, anemia, neuralgia, sleeplessness, fatigue, impotence, and hilariously enough, morphine addiction. Pemberton figured he was on to something, though, and he asked his bookkeeper, Frank Robinson, to help him come up with a name. Based on its most active ingredient, Robinson suggested what seemed most appropriate, and even offered to design the logo. But, because of his atrocious penmanship, the brand flopped and went down as one of the biggest failures in the history of the beverage industry.

Pfff. What a mess.

Yes, as many of you may already know, Coca-Cola was named after the actual, legitimate, mafia-grade cocaine that its original recipe called for (an estimated 9 milligrams per glass). That recipe was changed in 1903 to contain a "de-cocainized" extract of the coca leaf. Today, there is only one company in the United States which has federal authorization to import and process coca plants, most of which come from Peru: the Stepan Company in New Jersey. And of their roughly 1,500 (surely upstanding) "business clients", Coca-Cola is by far the largest consumer. 


2. Modern Peanut Butter Is the By-Product of Insanity

While the idea of a peanut paste has been around since the days of the Aztecs, modern-day peanut butter as we know it is widely attributed to botanist-turned-inventor, George Washington Carver. Carver worked with a number of different crops, from soy beans to sweet potatoes, but he had something of a soft spot for a tiny little legume called the peanut. And that's right around the point in the story where the cute little "awww" sounds stop. Because from then on, G.W. went absolutely bonkers and decided that peanuts were the most versatile crop on planet Earth and should be stretched to their utmost limits.

"Oh, the possibilities!!"

And apparently, those limits are somewhere in the hundreds. Upon being asked by colleague Booker T. Washington to head up the Department of Agriculture at his industrial college in Tuskegee, G.W. promptly got to work on solving Alabama's boll weevil problem. You see, at the time, cotton was still the South's #1 export, but several states - Alabama in particular - were having problems with these little guys...

"Ladies..."

A native of South America, the boll weevil had heard from a friend that this new joint up north, called the United States, was totally serving cotton. And boll weevils never say no to cotton, so they migrated up through Mexico and went on a frat-worthy binge, utterly decimating the Southern cotton industry.

"Serves you right.... dicks."

Carver came to the conclusion that farmers should broaden their horizons and start rotating their crops, a practice dating back to ancient Rome. Not only would the farmers foil the crafty boll weevil, but they would have more choices come dinnertime than just cotton sandwiches. Not to mention, crop rotation is the best way to maintain strong nutrient levels in your soil.

"Ladies..."

As he began researching which plants would thrive best in the local climate and soil, he discovered that peanuts were a fantastic fit. As the months turned into years, Carver slowly became obsessed with these little beans called "nuts". And it seemed, no matter how hard he tried, Carver couldn't find an end to the wonderful things one could do with a simple peanut. While most scientists probably would have stopped at Cooking Oil or Laxatives and moved on to curing AIDs with root beer, G.W. pushed forward, giving the world such luxuries as: peanut shampoo, peanut face cream, peanut wood stain, peanut Tutti Frutti cheese, peanut axle grease, peanut paper, peanut rubber, peanut laundry soap, peanut tofu sauce, peanut vinegar, peanut glue, something called "peanut beverage flakes", and even peanut nitroglycerin which, for those of you who don't know, is the main explosive compound in dynamite. And yes, among the numerous absolute absurdities, Mr. Carver thought to take an ancient recipe and add a little of that peanut oil to make a smooth, creamy delight which has spiced up our jelly sandwiches ever since. 


1. Chocolate Enjoys a History of Slavery, Greed, and Blood Sacrifice 

Growing up in a chocoholic household, to me, the many interpretations of chocolate are less a delicacy and more a necessity. And my family was not the first to discover this simple truth. In fact, chocolate's alluring call has gripped the masses since its conception. It is unclear whether or not the ancient Olmec civilization was aware of the cacao tree's magic go-go juice, but their successors, the Maya, certainly were. Even the word cacao itself is Mayan. Throughout their records, there are numerous depictions of the cacao tree and its all-consuming fruit. They harvested, processed, ground, and roasted the cocoa beans into a fine paste. Since the technology to press it into delicious bars had not yet come to pass, they could only enjoy the treat as a frothy, bitter drink, dissolving it in hot water.

The cacao fruit was so prized that, in many tribes, they were used as currency. But perhaps the most eccentric use of chocolate in those days was during the Maya's ritualistic blood sacrifices. They would dip the goats or chickens or people or whatever the soup du jour was into vats of the stuff, because hey, this is what angels' tears are made of, so the gods must love it on their sacrifices, right?

After the Aztecs steamrolled through, they too adopted the delectable "chocolate" as a drink of royalty. Then along came another steamroller, named España, and her conquistadors were eventually turned on to this delightfully foamy drink as well. They brought crates of the fruit back home and brewed the king and queen some of this new-fangled chocolate. Although it was an acquired taste, it eventually caught on in the royal court, and if the king and queen are doin' it, the rest of the upper-class lemmings are sure to follow. Soon, the demand for chocolate throughout Spain was exceeding the conquistadors' abilities to produce, and so the local Mesoamerican tribesmen, along with a host of African slaves, were put to work on the cocoa plantations.

Between the calories and the child labor, it's only about 30% guilt-free.

While the original drinks were usually softened up with gosh damn chili powder, the Spaniards eventually got the idea to maybe dump a little of that sugar cane they'd been stealing from the Caribbean into the mix. And voila, sweetened chocolate was born. And, although historians aren't really sure how, the Spaniards managed to keep this whole craze from the rest of Europe for a solid 100 years or so. But the cat couldn't stay in that tiny, chocolate-covered bag forever, and eventually, the phenomenon exploded across the continents.

In the early 17th century, Anne of Austria, the daughter of the king of Spain, became the queen of France. In light of her geological promiscuity, she became obsessed with the Mexican treat and proclaimed herself a chocoholic. She was so radically addicted to the stuff that she made an official decree that no one outside the aristocracy was allowed to consume it, taking the old Twix slogan "Two for me, none for you" to its apex.

But the controversy surrounding the humble cocoa bean was far from over. In fact, it still rages today. As it stands, in the late 1800s people took a long, hard look at Abraham Lincoln and said, "You know? Maybe this whole slavery thing isn't that cool anymore. Maybe it's time to hang that old hat up." Unfortunately, not everyone got the message, and cocoa plantations throughout Central America and Africa just continued on their merry way, pumping out millions of tons of product on the backs of children.

It wasn't until 1910 that famed egg-maker William Cadbury invited some of the world's largest chocolate manufacturers to boycott beans from plantations with harsh or forced labor conditions. That same year, the U.S. Congress enacted an official ban on any cocoa product obtained through slave labor. Unfortunately, as recently as 2011, major chocolate manufacturers like Hershey were still running into problems with their workforce. Even here in the States.

So the next time you reach for that Snickers, or that Diet Coke, or that bag of Lay's, take a moment of silence for all the generations before you who had to suffer through indelible, pants-crapping insanity to make those products possible.