A Series of Unfortunate Muscle Contractions

So, tonight while I was at work, I found myself rummaging through our supplies drawer in search of mints or the essence of joy or whatever. I eventually managed to find a small package of gum with a single, lonely stick remaining. Someone, in their evil genius, had torn the front of the packaging off, removing any trace or indication of what flavor the gum was. All I knew was that it was of the Trident Layers variety, which combine multiple flavors together in a taste explosion much like the exploding gum from Mission Impossible.

"And then it's all, BAM! Blue Raspberry outta nowhere."

With the green packaging, I guessed spearmint or watermelon or green apple - something along those lines. So I eagerly undressed the gum from its tempting aluminum foil and popped it into my mouth. Digging in, molars grinding away, I slowly allowed the flavors to seep into my restless taste buds. At first, there was hardly any sensation at all. As my jaw snapped up and down, and as my saliva washed across my tongue, absorbing whatever delights the gum had to offer, I was gradually overcome by a notion most foreign and unexpected. I cannot recall ever having a piece of gum I did not enjoy - at least until it faded into a flavorless ball of non-toxic sticky-tack (here's looking at you, Juicy Fruit). But this was different. It was like some sort of celery or broccoli flavored "gum". I couldn't tell if it was just a bad piece of gum, or if maybe they'd just picked bad flavors to combine. I scoured the packaging for answers, desperate to know why my mouth was committing mutiny over a seemingly innocent piece of chewing gum. Without the front label, however, hope was all but lost. Until I noticed some fine print on the back - Allergy Warning: Contains soy.

Worst. Realization. Ever.

I was furious. I mean, who the heck even gets soy-flavored gum?! What kind of sick joke was this?! I later discovered that the warning mostly likely refers to the soy lecithin which is found in a lot products, including many brands of chewing gum. Which, unfortunately, brings me back to Square 1, and whatever forsaken flavor I was maliciously tricked into chewing. At this point, I can only recommend staying away from any and all Trident Layers gum that comes in green packaging. Whatever diaper recyclery they make it in is tainted with all the evil of all the hearts of men.