14 of the Worst Sportsfolk Ever Allowed on a Field (Part 1)

There's a little bit of sports fan in all some a few of us. I, myself, am a baseball man, though I take in the occasional (American) football - or "handegg" if you prefer - and basketball game, too. Those of us who have the appropriately-colored blood pumping through our veins love to cheer for our favorite teams and hope to frighten the others with our boos until they collapse in a puddle of piss and shame.

Or wet themselves laughing.

Unfortunately, no team is ever perfect, as much as any rabid fan or PR agent would love for you to believe. Even the '95 Bulls had Randy Brown. He wasn't bad, per se, certainly not enough to earn him a spot on the list, but he missed 6 of every 10 shots he took that season. Not exactly highlight reel stuff. And every fan's been there: we've all had to shake our heads through at least one player whose performance is more akin to an autistic, one-armed chimpanzee folding a paper airplane. This list is a celebration of truly some of the worst in professional point-scoring. I've tried to keep it varied, so that each of the big sports gets some representation.

So, without further adieu, those whose collective presence anywhere other than the stands is still more baffling to science than string theory or black holes.


14. Dickey Simpkins

As seen on: Basketball

While Randy Brown may not have crapped his way on to this list, his former Bulls teammate, Dickey Simpkins, sure did.

Sad to see such a fine mustache go to waste.

Throughout his 7-year, 326-game career, Dickey managed to keep his field-goal (yes, that's what baskets are technically called) percentage at a mildly acceptable level, though he only scrounged up an average of 4 points (or two baskets) a game. In those same 7 years, he also made a grand total of two (read it!) 3-pointers.

After 4 sub-par years with the Bulls, they traded him to the Golden-State Warriors, who watched him fumble through one of his worst statistical seasons yet. After a year, they kicked his duff to the curb, where the sympathetic Bulls found him in the proverbial garbage, softly weeping in the midnight rain. They brought him back for another two years (since, by that time, Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippin, and Dennis Rodman were all on their way out). The Bulls then realized that Simpkins still sucked hairy butt, and also kicked his duff to the curb. The Lakers picked him up, probably by accident, and after a month, they finally saw him rotting in the cupboard and promptly let him go, without so much as letting him on the court. He flew to Greece and played whatever version of basketball they have over there for a year, then came back and got picked up by the presumably unwitting Atlanta Hawks. He got to play a staggering 3 minutes in 1 game, and was asked to leave basketball and never come back.

So, like all crummy, washed-up athletes, he went to work for ESPN. 


13. Gus Caesar

As seen on: Association Football (aka Soccer)

Pogus Cassius "Gus" Caesar was one of the many busts on this list. Players who showed a ton of potential in the lessor leagues, but who found themselves positively overwhelmed at the top.  

He was signed by the London-based Arsenal Football Club in 1982, though he didn't get to play professionally until '84. And, despite his meek performance, Caesar managed to appear in 51 games over the next 7 years. As a center defender, it wasn't necessarily his job to score goals, and he took that very much to heart, scoring absolutely not a single damn goal in his time with Arsenal. And, while he was a mildly effective defender, he will forever be known for his infamous blunder in the 1988 Wembley Cup Final.

It was the second half, with only seven minutes left 'til champagne and booty calls (or ale and darts, or whatever they do in England). Arsenal was beating their underdog opponent, Luton Town, by a score of 2-0. And in soccer, that's a fairly daunting deficit with only seven on the clock. The ball was put in to play, and Caesar managed to header a pass straight to an awaiting player. From the other team. They promptly took this opportunity to score.

2-1.

In the next few minutes, Luton regained control of the ball, driving it down the pitch towards the Arsenal goal. The ball got away, and Caesar and one of the Luton boys gave chase. It was in the penalty area (the big box surrounding the smaller goal area) and Caesar had a perfect chance to kick the ball clear - remember, as a defender, that's his entire job, to stop goals and get the ball moving in the other direction. So, he spies an open teammate, lines up his kick....... and trips. He bloody trips and takes a face-full of grass. On what? Who knows. His shoes? A ladybug? Irony? In any case, Luton swept in and scored again.

2-2.

With the lead gone, Arsenal had to hunker down and try to scrape back another goal. Instead, they allowed Luton to score once more - this time, however, without Caesar's help - and ended up losing the game and the shiny trophy. Gus Caesar's career as a pro never really recovered, and he was forced to play his terribly awkward version of soccer in the baby leagues for the next decade before finally retiring in 2002, much to the sport's delight.


12. Robert Dee

As seen on: Tennis

Robert Dee is truly a monument to the horrible brats of my generation (and every generation). He is also a monument to failures around the world, proving that if you suck at something long and hard enough (don't even), you may get famous anyway.

Seen here, practicing his Super Bowl Shuffle.

During a three-year stint on various international circuits, Robert Dee lost a world-record 54 games in a row. Now, he has made every effort to assure fans(?) that said record was only on the ITF-approved circuits, and that he had won several matches in smaller circuits throughout Spain during that time. But that didn't stop just about every journalist with a pulse (and probably a few without) from heralding Mr. Dee as the "worst tennis player in the world". Instead of taking the hint and going away, or at least making a concerted effort to improve, Dee flipped right the eff out and started suing the acid-washed pants off of every publication that had made the claim. And a good thirty or so responded with retractions, apologies, and cheques totaling tens of thousands of pounds - all of which he proudly displayed on his personal website. Because even he can't believe he got paid to be a professional 2-year-old.

Then he tried to pull that crap on The Daily Telegraph, who told Dee to "bugger off" and took him straight to British court. It was there that presiding justice Victoria Sharp burned Mr. Dee's pitiful display, both on and off the court, into the annals of legal history. She stated without hesitation:

"The incontestably true facts are that the Claimant did lose 54 matches in a row... on the world ranking ITF / ATP tournaments on the international professional tennis circuits..." and that Dee was "objectively the worst professional tennis player in the world, in terms of his playing skills."

If the Royal British judicial system's official stance is that you're the decided champion of sucking at something, perhaps it's time to pursue other interests.


11. Jay Caufield

As seen on: Hockey

There are lovers, and there are fighters, and Jay Caufield was a fighter, 110%. A former high-school linebacker, Caufield weighed in at a monstrous (for hockey at least) 6'4" and 240 lbs. As it stands, there's a reason why you see a lot more Bruce Banners on the ice than Hulks. Hockey is a game of speed, agility, precision, grace, and balance. Caufield did not possess any of these qualities.

"Come on, Caufield." *jab jab* "Float like a Butterball, sting like a beer!"

Most noted for his five-ish seasons with the Pittsburgh Penguins in the late '80s and early '90s, Caufield played 194 games with the Pens, scoring an astonishing three goals total. In that same time, however, he racked up 714 minutes in the penalty box - hockey's "time-out chair" for grownups - for starting countless bloody wars in the rink. The best part was, Caufield wasn't even that good of a fighter. At least, not on the ice. Because he was so terrible on skates, he could never put all his rippling muscle behind any of his blows, so he usually just resorted to grabbing the other guy's shirt, tripping, and bringing his opponent down with him.

After being demoted to the IHL in 1993, Caufield played one last season, then retired. As could probably be expected, he currently works as an analyst and commentator for the local Pittsburgh sportscast. 


10. Ryan Leaf

As seen on: American Football

Ryan Leaf was a prospect. And a big one. In the 1998 NFL Draft, he was picked second by the San Diego Chargers (if you're unsure of the significance, imagine getting picked second in gym class) - the only player chosen ahead of him was Peyton freaking Manning, by the Indianapolis Colts. Leaf was a hometown hero and everyone was excited to see his stuff on the professional field.

Meh. Close enough.

While Manning went on to have one of the most significant and impressive careers in NFL history, Leaf went on to have one of the most laughable. At the Draft, Leaf was offered a four-year, $31.25 million contract, with a guaranteed signing bonus of $11.25 million - the largest signing bonus ever given to a rookie at the time. Afterward, Leaf went on to state in only the humblest of terms, "I'm looking forward to a 15-year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl, and a parade through downtown San Diego."

Sadly, his dreams (or delusions, rather) were never realized. Before the season had even started, Leaf skipped a mandatory symposium for draftees, incurring a $10,000 fine. After a promising first two games in the regular season, things started circling the drain for Leaf. In his next 10 starts, he'd thrown only 2 touchdown passes, 15 interceptions, and had a 45% pass completion rating. He was benched, and preceded to cause outburst after outburst, screaming at reporters, fans, players, coaches, and whoever else was within earshot. He blamed his teammates for his poor performance, though by the next season, he was plagued with a new problem: a persistent wrist injury; one that he flat-out refused to have treated. Though it was apparently well enough that he could consistently skip out on practice to go play golf.

He never seemed to recover, finishing his three years as a Charger with only 4 wins. From there, Leaf bounced between the Buccaneers, the Cowboys, and the Seahawks, failing to follow in Stella Payne's footsteps and ever get his groove back. All-in-all, he appeared in 25 NFL games, completeled less than half of all his passes, threw 14 touchdowns and 36 interceptions, ending his lowly career with a passer rating of 50 (out of a possible 158). He would later go on to marry and quickly divorce a Chargers cheerleader, be convicted on several burglary and drug charges, get a job coaching college football, and subsequently lose that job because of further drug charges. Just within the past few months, he was arrested twice more for counts of burglary and theft, as well as drug possession and distribution. Too bad he wasn't a baseball player, or the whole "Three Strikes" thing might have been funnier. As it stands, his arraignment is scheduled for May 3, and he's set to serve 50 years, no possibility of parole or parade. 


9. Ambiorix Burgos

As seen on: Baseball

Ambiorix Burgos made his Major League debut in 2005, pitching in relief for the Kansas City Royals. One of the many prospective MLB stars to come from the Dominican Republic, Burgos did not deliver on the promises men like José Reyes, Pedro Martinez, and Sammy Sosa had made.

In talent, at least. Looks are, well... about on par.

Let me set the stage for you: Barring any extra play, a regular baseball season consists of 162 games broken into 1458 innings. In his first year with the Royals, Burgos pitched 60 of those innings. In spite of that, he still managed to rank 10th in the league in wild pitches. The man threw a baseball with all the consistency and grace of a DUI. However, he finished out with a... tolerable 3.90 Earned Run Average (ERA), and he had one of the bitchinest fastballs around. Thus, his second season with the Royals saw him starting as their closer.

In 73 1/3 innings, he posted a Win-Loss record of 4-5 and an atrocious 5.52 ERA (a good pitcher will keep it under 2.00). Out of 30 save attempts that season, he blew 12 of them - all of this being pretty much the complete opposite of what you want to see in a closing pitcher. So, they traded his untamed wildebeest of an arm to the Mets, where he lasted a solid three weeks into the regular season - two years to the day from when he'd made his Major League debut - before getting sent down to the minors.

And, keeping with the high standards of psychosis in professional sports (everyone say "Hi, Ty Cobb!"), Burgos has been charged with several accounts of pants-crapping insanity both here in the States and back home in the Dom Rep. In 2008, he was convicted of beating the daylights out of his girlfriend in their hotel room, punching, slapping, and biting her. One month later, he was charged by the Dominican police with a hit-and-run in which he struck two women with his SUV, both of whom later died from their injuries. To top it all off, in 2010, Burgos was again indicted and charged by the Dominican police, this time for kidnapping his ex-wife and attempting to poison her. To death.


8. Kerri Gardin

As seen on: Basketball

Now, I'll be the first to admit I don't know jack about women's basketball. I've never watched a single game, and in trying to find more info for this article, I learned that apparently, nobody has. The internet sees the letters WNBA and just starts laughing, so I had to put Miss Gardin on here based solely on her stats which, I must say, are rather atrocious.

As is her hair. More like... Scary Gardin, am I right?

Playing 120 games in the past four seasons, Gardin has posted numbers that would make any coach's spine shiver, then crack, then puff into a cloud of bone dust. Her overall field-goal percentage is a lowly 0.332, though her last two seasons have both been under 0.300, meaning for every 10 shots she takes - and she's taken hundreds in her career - she misses between 7 and 8 of them. Three-point shots are even worse, making only 32 out of 114 attempts. She boasts a laughable career average of about 3 points per game; again, her last two seasons were worse, settling in around 1 point per game. Last season she posted a player efficiency rating of +3.46. Now, a good b-ball player should be somewhere around 20-25, though guys like MJ and LeBron have consistently hit above 30.

About the only thing Gardin can do is steal, ranking 9th in the WNBA in that category. Unfortunately, she probably has a better chance of developing diabetes on her way to the hoop than actually scoring. 


Well, that does it for Part 1. Continue the athletic shenanigans in Part 2.