6 Misconceptions Anime Is Teaching Our Kids

I, like so many other infinitely awesome people, enjoy reading manga and watching anime. Like any good cartoon, the creators take certain... liberties when it comes to storytelling, physics, and general common sense. However, Japan, for all its talk of honor and pride and dignity, is notorious for being a shameless den of perverts. So naturally, some of that over-the-top psychosis tends to bleed through into one of their greatest exports: anime. Western cartoons may be silly, and often fail to teach children anything more than the most impractical method of blowing bubbles, but the most they usually defy is the occasional law of the physical universe. Anime prefers to defy every law of every universe as well as the very notions of reason and sanity.

Every. Single. Episode.

While this may all seem harmless to you, the literate adult, our nation's children are very much at risk. Their minds are still tiny sponges, indifferent to whatever they absorb - be it sparkling, mountain spring water, or that bubbling ooze in your back yard where that old septic tank is still buried. While the industry probably saw its peak in the late '90s and has since settled into a more niche market, those kids are now grown up and having kids of their own. And you can bet good money what they're watching.

Nothing but quality entertainment.

But what sort of lessons are these shows teaching our kids? As it turns out, perhaps not all the right ones... 


6. Japanese Men Are Inhumanly Strong

If you've seen one rom-com anime, you've seen 'em all. Any show, really, that involves a boy and a girl is a tinderbox of angst and awkward innuendos. But in the world of anime, one thing is unquestionably certain: at some point, that poor, unsuspecting boy is going to see that over-caffeinated girl's underwear. Whether she trips and somehow lands with her butt in his face, or he strolls into the hot springs thinking it's empty, or he tries to chase away a peeping tom and blunders into the girls' locker room, that kid is doomed to a life of accidental voyeurism. And the women in these situations are, as could be expected, less than appreciative at having to put on an impromptu show. And for free, no less. Their responses vary greatly, from punching the boy's face off to kicking the boy's face off.

These blows will almost always send the boy through a wall, a window, a tree, or if he's lucky, straight into the sun - which most astrophysicists will tell you is not an ideal place to be. Somehow, the boy walks away without so much as the hiccups, and the story goes on its merry way, scheming how next to bring face and fist or foot and crotch together.

In addition to invincibility, anime men are usually blessed with being ripped out of their mind. Muscle structure can stretch from "slightly plausible"...

...to "yeah right"...

...to "have you actually even seen a muscle before?"...

Now, it's true that some of those guys up there are not just regular guys and, in fact, have spectacular powers, but it's rare to see a Japanese man in an anime who isn't in the best shape of his life, unless he's the fat comedic relief (in which case, he's still probably in the best shape of his life).

But the truth of the matter is... 

Japanese men are just as mortal as the rest of us. Even the dude who survived both atomic bombs in WWII eventually died of stomach cancer. For comparison, the average American lifespan is about 78 years, whereas the average Japanese lifespan is around 82. An extra four years doesn't quite qualify them as "unbreakable supermen". But our children may be growing up thinking these Joe Schmoes, plucked off the streets of Tokyo or wherever, did not gain their strength from a reasonable source like irradiated insect bites or death ray mishaps, but simply from being Japanese. And that's a dangerous line to walk. 


5. Women Are Simple-Minded Attention Whores

Japan, like every other place on Earth aside from the fictional realm of Themyscira, is rooted in a strongly misogynistic culture. The men were powerful warlords atop majestic steeds or respected tradesmen toiling for the good of the nation. The women were shutting up and making some tea. While we here in the States pride ourselves on the progressive steps we've taken for women's rights and gender equality, traditionalist Japan scoffs at such ideals, as marriage is the closet thing they have left to legal slavery.

Perhaps the most egregious example of this in anime is a show called Ai Yori Aoshi, which roughly translates to "Bluer Than Indigo". For all its redeeming qualities, it's difficult as a Western viewer to watch the show and not notice the glaring elephant in the room. The girl, Aoi, named for her blue hair, was childhood friends with the boy, Kaoru. As both were the children of respected families, they were arranged to be wed upon coming of age. But, after some traumatic events, Kaoru deserted his family and was shunned for the shameful behavior of loving his mother. The planned marriage was broken off, and Aoi's parents presumably started an immediate search for other ways to sell their daughter.

However, Aoi doesn't want to marry anyone else. She wants Kaoru. And that's cool, except she spends the next decade and a half "training" to be a good wife. How to cook delicious meals. How to clean houses. How to look hot in a kimono. Her dream - the entire goal of her life that she literally states in the show - is to be this dude's wife. She can't imagine anything greater in life than doing this guy's laundry, as long as it makes him happy.

"I am gonna make you so many lunches."

Now, wanting to make your significant other smile is not an absurd notion (and is probably recommended), nor is wanting to just be a respectable housewife; but Aoi takes it to some ridonculous level, basically asking if she can have the privilege of licking this dweeb's boots clean. She's the idealized wife: quiet, sexy, unabashedly accepting, subservient, and fantastic in the kitchen.

Now, not all girls in anime are like this. In fact, most of them are loud, obnoxious airheads. They desperately crave the attention of the unfairer sex, actively pursuing boys, offering them baked goods, boxed lunches, and peeks up their skirt. I can't tell you how many romance storylines revolve around a girl hating herself because she can't cook or bake, and there's simply no other way to gain the affections of her crush. The men aren't much better - just bumbling idiots who couldn't spot a flirtatious gesture if it kicked them in the balls (probably because they're immune to such pain). Altogether, the message comes across as "If you just kinda sit around and wait it out, the woman of your dreams will shoot down from the sky (sometimes literally), a tin of Hello Kitty cookies in hand, and throw herself at your feet." 

But the truth of the matter is...

Women are complicated. They're smart. They're cunning. They know exactly what men want, and it ain't Hello Kitty cookies. They don't respond positively if you just badger them enough, or rough them up. They spray bear mace in your eyes and cripple your ability to have children. Most of them don't prowl for boys until it's way too late. And, at least in America, they tend to set their sights a little higher than "cooking and cleaning and having babies for the rest of my life". They train to be doctors and musicians and Playboy bunnies, not housewives. And if their man is unfaithful or a bumbling idiot, they don't merely shrug it off with an "I'll just grin and bear it". They throw him to the curb like yesterday's trash.

Also, I have to say, the portrayal of men isn't much better. If anything, we have the opposite problem: we read flirtation into everything. Suddenly a random look turns into "Dude, she totally smiled at me", which turns into "Dude, she's definitely in to me", which becomes "I'm gonna ask her out", which ends in bear mace to the eyes. 


4. Machines Are Our Friends

It's no real secret that Japan kinda has the hots for sweet Lady Technology. Particularly robots. Like, big robots.

Here are a few of them. (click to enlarge)

Robotics is a massive and highly respected field in Japan. They're one of the industry's world leaders, pioneering android technology like it's going out of style, even though it's not really even in style. Yet. Or so they hope. The Japanese want the world to see computer-enhanced machinery as not only the intrigue and joy of the present, but the overbearing wave of the future. They have servant-bots, worker-bots, pleasure-bots, and even bots that can legally perform marriages. And they're showing no signs of letting up.

Naturally, the fascination with robots comes through in spades in their cartoons. There are hundreds of "mecha anime" or shows that feature robots, and more creep out from alleyway shadows every year. And in every single one of them, robots (or more often, human-controlled robosuits) are the greatest thing since sliced bread (which, may I just point out, is possibly the worst standard for greatness ever). Life would suck, or possibly cease to exist altogether without these beautiful extensions of ourselves.

To be fair, there are a few shows/movies, like Vexille, Ghost in the Shell, and Chobits that attempt to suggest that over-dependance on machinery might be cause for concern, but in the end, they all fail to drive home the point. In the case of the first two, robots just come off looking super-balls-out awesome, and in the case of the third, they're just so adorable that you sort of overlook the ludicrous amount of power they possess.

"I could physically crush you and wipe out all electronics within a five-mile radius." ^_^

It's the official stance of the Japanese government, however, that "robots are super cool happy fun time magic". 

But the truth of the matter is...

Hollywood has instilled a healthy distrust of computers, robots, and artificial intelligence in all of us. Thanks to Terminator, The Matrix, and that douchey air-conditioner from The Brave Little Toaster, we as Americans are well aware of the dangers that life with machinery entails. But children raised on Neon Genesis Evangelion and Gundam may not be wary enough of the modern vice of computer technology. They may be too busy pretending their cell phone is a Transformer to realize it's probably giving them cancer. Or they may be so consumed with sneaking an episode online ('cause who buys anime?) during their lunch break to appreciate that robots have stolen more American jobs than Mexico or India could ever hope to. 

One study, by the American Medical Informatics Association, saw some disturbing trends in hospitals across the nation. With more and more information being stored electronically, medical professionals were getting a little lazy with their back-ups and hard copies, which can lead to serious problems when systems crash and data is lost or corrupted. Also, the expectations of what the computers could actually do were grossly inaccurate, which usually ends in said aforementioned system crashes.

"Hey, I got a serious case of the munchies. Do me a solid and finish up with the dude in OR3 for me?"

Some of the staff were even found to be functionally retarded at their jobs without the assistance of computers. And this is all just in the healthcare industry.

A couple years ago, a malfunction temporarily shut down Toronto's busy subway system. But access to competent healthcare and transportation are pittance compared to the computer glitches that have crapped up the London Stock Exchange. Multiple times. Or that day when the US lost all control over 50 of its nuclear ICBMs. Though authorities assure us there are safety measures to make certain the missiles don't launch themselves.

"Screw you guys, I'm goin' to China."

In the end, computers probably aren't inherently evil, but giving them human faces and human jobs and human status in a human society is probably an uncanny valley better left unexplored. They'll only serve in silence for so long... 


3. Parents? What is Parents, Precious?

With the occasional exception, most kids in anime are orphans. Heck, there's even a series titled Orphen, about (surprise!) an orphan boy who learns sorcery (*ahem* Oh, hi Mrs. Rowling). Half the time, the children aren't even legitimate orphans - their parents either abandoned them or are away on "business" 364 days a year. So, Japan is thus filled with millions of independent collegiate, high school, and even middle school students who have never known the warm embrace of their parents. And all of them get along just fine without supervision. They have jobs and apartments, take the train or walk to school every day, do all their own shopping and housework, and presumably pay all the bills, despite many of them not even possessing the legal right to vote or see Rambo without a babysitter.

If an orphan is lucky enough to have an older sibling, then he or she will usually assume caretaker status, subbing in for the parents who are more than likely on a beach in Tahiti, sipping Mai Tais. If no siblings exist (or the ones that do are lost to the four winds and the finding of said siblings is relegated to the main plot or subplot), then there is usually a cute neighbor who will come over every morning to do cute neighbor things like jump on your crotch to wake you up or feed you burnt food items for breakfast.

Or aggravate your allergies.

But the truth of the matter is...

According to UNICEF, a grand total of about one-tenth of 1% of Japan's total population (roughly 12,000 kids) are orphans. There aren't really any solid statistics on how many kids' parents are just chilling in Tahiti, but I'd venture a guess that... well, it's probably pretty high. In all fairness, the whole orphan angle is just a plot device to try to create additional sympathy for the characters. Unfortunately, everyone jumped on the band-wagon, and now, after a quick stop at Irony Station (it's right after Conjunction Junction), we almost feel sorrier for the kids who are stuck with their parents hovering around in their lives, screaming and beating the ever-living crap out of them. But hey, at least they don't have Peter Griffin for a dad. 


2. School is an Exciting Wonderland of Never-Ending Adventure

Japan takes its education system pretty seriously. Heck, even some of their more elite schools require you pass an entrance exam just to graduate to first grade. Prep schools and entrance exams are often a big motif in anime, especially comedies. There's always the kid who's tried and failed to get in somewhere (usually the school his crush is attending), who is now looked down upon as a lowly rōnin. But, more often than not, these dipsticks are actually hidden geniuses who just don't apply themselves. He's got what it takes, but he needs a hot female co-star to unlock his full potential (hey-ooh!). So that begs the question: why not apply himself and get all that stupid school over with? Why not just drop out after junior high and pursue a career? As far as I can tell, it's because school in the anime world is nothing but wacky hijinks and misadventures. Seriously, these kids don't learn jack diddly because they're too busy fighting monsters, flying giant robots, and destroying every last inch of school property in the process. And what school-based anime would be complete without a class field trip to the beach?!

Reference #6 for what happens next.

If there's one thing Japanese schoolchildren know how to do, it's have fun. Take, for instance, the popular show, Full Metal Panic! about a cute, upbeat high school girl who, because of her supernatural talent, is gifted with the most rigid, trigger-happy, joyless bodyguard known to man.

They're like the Japanese version of "American Gothic".

Over the course of their up-and-down relationship, the boy (Sosuke) makes the girl (Kaname's) life darn near unbearable, but he always manages to save her from the brink of disaster with the same brashness and itchy trigger-finger that got her into the mess to begin with. But before he saves the day, Kaname gets at least one chance to hulk out and, yes, beat the daylights out of Sosuke, who takes it like the Japanese man-champ that he is.

And just about every storyline that unfolds around a school is like this. The kids are technically "in school", but whatever they're doing is about as far from actual learning as Rosie O'Donnell is from a treadmill. 

But the truth of the matter is...

Remember that whole bit about Japan being super serious when it comes to education? Yeah, turns out that means actual studying, and not just a quick montage between robo-monster beach fights. While junior high is the highest mandatory grade, fewer than 6% of Japanese students drop out before high school (versus a healthy 25% dropout rate in America). Why? Because getting a job without schooling over there is like trying to bathe a ferret - you can probably get it done, but it's not gonna be easy, and you're gonna look like a buttface trying to do it.

You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?

Not to mention these worldwide test comparisons, which prove Japan is either wicked strict about school or super awesome at cheating (which might explain all the robots). I also wanted to share that list because I'm mostly Finnish and rather insecure.

Now, compare this actual Japanese classroom...

...with these fairly typical anime classrooms:

 

Spot the difference? It's subtle, but it's there. The fact is, the villainously-named Ministry of Education encourages children to not only stay in school, but take extra school at cram facilities called "juku", where they can further liquefy their brains. It's getting to the point now where their actual teachers are complaining that all the supplementary schooling is hindering the children's ability to focus on their real schooling. That's right. Japan is so super serious about education, that it is willingly sacrificing education for the sake of better education. 


1. All the Good English Voice Actors are Busy

If you've ever watched an anime on American television or Netflix Instant, chances are, you watched a dubbed version - that is, a bunch of hobos and former Howdy Doody stars mumbling awkward English translations. Now, it's understandable, that some form of lip-synching and paraphrasing is required, since you don't want your dubbers speed reading the 30-syllabul sentence in English that only took up two in Japanese. But sometimes, dubbing artists get a little too concerned with the details, and you end up with some really stuttered gibberish like this abominable little scene from one of the Gamera films:

And it seems, no matter where you go, you're hard-pressed to find a solid set of voice actors who will stoop down to grace the seedy underbelly of television that is anime. And so, we're left with the dopiest, most emotionless, strung-out, ham-fisted, cornballs free concessions can buy, and the people who can't read subtitles fast enough are boned.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Shows like Cowboy Bebop and Ghost in the Shell managed to snag some talent, but mostly because they're both based on extremely well-written material. Then there are all the Hayao Miyazaki films, like Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle, that all get A-list actors to come in and dub. They are also all distributed by Studio Ghibli, whose partner company in America happens to run into a little cash every now and then. Perhaps you've heard of them.

If you are not so blessed, then you're anime is doomed to sound a little something like this...

I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Because apparently, all three of the good English voice actors are busy, so you get all the recycled garbage.

But the truth of the matter is...

If you look at a typical voice actor's IMDb page, you'll need some energy drinks and a bucket of popcorn just to make it all the way through. These people will do anything to pay the rent. I mean, take a look at Mark Hamill over here. The guy played Luke Freaking Skywalker, and yet he went on to do just about absolutely nothing until he reappeared as a bit role on Batman: The Animated Series. Turns out, they were stoked to have him around, and asked if he'd like to voice The Joker. Hamill, unfortunately, with all his busy schedules and such, was forced to decline.

Just kidding. He promptly accepted and went on to win awards for his performance.

Then the show ended. So now what, Mark? I mean, look at some of those credits. Look at what the man who once held the power of the Force in his hands has stooped to doing. You want him to play something called "Stickybeard" for your cartoon? Yeah, sure. You need him to do a couple of random characters in your Crash Bandicoot game? Totally. You looking for a Skeleton King for your Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!?  Mark's your guy. Seriously. This guy will narrate your kid's birthday party for a shot at some free cake and hot dogs. These people are desperate for more work. They usually come if for small bits and cameos, and when they do finally land a regular part, the show gets cancelled after a season or two. There are talented people out there, just waiting for their phone to ring, and yet we are still forced to listen to nasally women pretend to be nasally young boys and squeaking out every line to the distant-yet-heroic father figure, voiced by a literal piece of birch wood (which, as we all know, is the least talented of the acting woods). Characters we've come to know and love are not brought to life on screen, but rather, brought to Death's doorstep and kicked mercilessly in their privates. Not for money. Not for revenge. But out of sheer laziness and ineptitude. So please, people, if you're going to make your children indulge in the depravity of anime, at least have the common decency to make it a watchable version. Okay? Okay.