Friday! Friday! A Day Which Will Live in Fun-famy! And Shame.

If you haven't already been treated to the musical, lyrical, and visual abortion that is Rebecca Black's Friday video, you simply must. I'd venture to guess that this video may someday even replace Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up as the go-to hyperlink prank. But, beneath the horrifyingly inane lyrics ("Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday, Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards."), the laughably bad tween "dancing", the head-scratching video effects, and Usher's inexplicable rap cameo, there may lie motives far more sinister.

"On second thought, why don't you just take the bus."

After suffering through this musical banshee death, I had to share my misfortune. I could not be the only one to cringe under the weight of every nasally, ear-splitting "Fraieeyday". So I forced my sister, Rachel, to sit down and endure the torturous "song" as well. She, too, found Ms. Black's pronunciation of weekdays to be hellishly unpleasant. By the end of the video, Rachel was squirming in her chair, claiming that one more "Fraieeyday" and her head would explode. Completely unrelated, as she was checking updates on her phone, she noted the news of further catastrophe at the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan, as fuel rods and reactor cores continued to fracture and explode in the wake of the cataclysmic earthquake just off the Japanese coast.

"I bet her voice is making them explode," Rachel observed, checking her ears for blood. I sat silently for a moment, a thought creeping ever closer.

"Wait a second," I said, "what day did the earthquake hit?" We both shared in the silence, a flash of realization hitting us simultaneously. Rachel stared at me, stunned.

"Oh my gosh." She grabbed her phone. "I have to look it up." We both got giddy, like little children waiting to hear if their school got closed for a snow-day. Naturally, the internet connection crawled to a near-stop. Screaming at the phone to "work better", we finally got our answer.

Yes. There it was. Just as we suspected, the earthquake happened on a Friday.

"This is it," she whispered. I nodded my agreement with a grin.

"We may have just uncovered one of the greatest conspiracies in recent history!" There was no other explanation. There was no way any self-respecting music producer (and what producer doesn't have the utmost respect for themselves?) would ever unleash such a mind-numbingly painful atrocity on the human race without fiendish reasons. Some of you may have heard of inventor and full-time madman Nikolai Tesla and his work with something called "mechanical resonant frequency". Tesla noted that every piece of matter has a particular tonal resonance, and that if you apply said tone to said matter, it starts flipping out like a ferret in a bathtub.

I think I found my meme.

He even tried to develop an earthquake machine based on the principle, a device so deviously impractical it caught the attention of Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman of MythBusters fame. So, the theory we present to you is this: Rebecca Black's Friday was specifically designed and engineered after months of intense structural espionage in Japan, conducted under the guise of "acoustics research" for the insane producers at Ark Music Factory, the vile umbrella company responsible for numerous abominations beyond just Friday. After compiling their findings on the placement and resonant frequency of several key structures across the island, they introduced the music video into the Japanese mainstream. They slipped it under the radar as a craptastic dance anthem, something Japan is more than used to by now. As soon as the video took off, the incessant viewing caused the very foundations of the island to vibrate with a sheer intensity that rivaled the fury of supernatural combat. To put it simply, Rebecca Black, however witting or unwitting she may have been, was an instrument in what is surely but the first step in the coming Apocalypse. I hope you're happy, Rebecca.

In our quest to restore the very fabric of our sanity, we found this little gem, nestled in the cobwebbed corners of YouTube, which brings to light numerous questions like why, if Rebecca Black is still in 8th freaking grade, are her friends not only driving, but driving a $30,000 convertible? With the coming End of Times, we may never have the chance to decipher the madness of this puzzle called Friday, or solve the mysteries therein. We can, however, at least face our impending demise with some great, cheap laughs at others' expense.