As I've mentioned before, The Sims and all its many grandchildren were, and still are, a big part of my gaming habit. But I got to thinking... what does the world look like to a Sim? With some oblivious dipstick like me ruling over every step of every day from cradle to grave, how would a regular person react if they could in such a situation? Here's what I think the Sims see from their level on a typical given day under my command:
12:08 am - Still watching TV. It's been hours now, with the same 5 minutes of programming stuck on repeat. I really wouldn't mind reading a book or squeezing in a nice jog before hitting the hay. But I can't seem to will myself off the couch. TV it is, I guess.
12:40 am - Hittin' the fridge. Grabbing some... what is this, week-old pancakes? Really? I'm pretty sure I saw some leftover pizza in there. That looked pretty good. No? Ballsacks. Alright then. I mean, my girlfriend's the one who likes pancakes. I kinda made these for her, really. But yeah, sure. Pancakes. Grapes pancakes. Why does the package say "Grapes" and not just "Grape"? Who even puts grapes in pancakes? Who... why is that even a thing? Who puts grapes in anything, for that matter? And why am I eating right before bed? I'm just gonna have to wake up in the middle of the night to take a dump. Like always.
12:45 am - Man...... screw pancakes.
1:02 am - Dishwasher broke. Again. Waaayyyy too tired to worry about it right now, though. I don't- oh, what? Is it seriously leaking puddles onto the floor?! Oh, come on, man. This- I mean... that's cherry hardwood, bro. That stuff isn't cheap. Crap on a stick. I don't know jack about fixing things. That was always dad's department. Guess I better call the repairman before this gets out of- waitwaitwait. Why do I have a wrench? Aw, weak. I have plenty of money. I see the phone, it's right there. No, dude, I'm telling you I don't know how to fix this beast. I can't even fix those little tape dispenser things when they snap apart. I just throw them away and buy new ones. Please don't make me do this. I'll buy paper plates from now on. We'll just sell the dishwasher. I'll pay that Newbie guy next door to lick everything clean. I mean, he looks sanitary........ enough.
1:58 am - Having somewhere between zero and negative idea what I'm doing, I pretty much just beat the piss out of this dishwasher with a wrench for an hour, and it actually stopped. Though, I suspect it's not so much "fixed" as just "more broken". But it's not leaking anymore, so I guess I'll mop up the mess and get to bed. Early morning today.
2:15 am - Finally gonna catch a few z's. I still don't know why I bought these sheets. My bed looks like a gay pride picnic blanket.
3:33 am - Oh look. I had to wake up in the middle of the night to take a dump. Surprise, surprise. Sigh. Man, I gotta leave for work at balls o'clock in the morning. I do not have time fo- wait. Is someone in my house? HOLY CRAP SOMEONE IS IN MY FREAKING HOUSE. Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh. What do I do? I knew I should have bought a gun, but nooooo. Had to have that new computer.
3:35 am - Oh thank God, the cops are here. Oh, snap, they're fighting in the living room! I don't know why, but I feel compelled to watch. I should probably help, but eff that. I still got a turtle in the pond, and I think he wants a peek of this fight, too.
3:38 am - Cop won. Burglar arrested. Toilets are amazing.
3:45 am - Finally going to bed. What a night. The guys at the office are gonna get a kick outta this one.
5:00 am - Ugh. Already time to get up? *YAWN* Goody. Carpool should be here in about an hour. All that stress last night has gotten me hungry again. Just please no more grapes pancakes.
5:02 am - Dude. Are you kidding me? A juice box for breakfast? Is this about the pancakes thing, 'cause I'm sorry. I mean, I know I don't have a lot of time, but seriously? A juice box? Oh. Perfect.... It's grape juice. How thoughtful.
5:09 am - Awesome. I'm so totally full right now. Ooof. I couldn't eat another bite. No, seriously. Please. That juice box was all for me, thanks. Sigh. Well, a hot shower should feel nice, at least.
5:20 am - Was that the doorbell? Who would be- AW BALLS. What if it's the robber? What if he escaped? What if the cop wasn't really a cop and was an accomplice and they were just casing the joint and disarming the security system?! And now they're back to finish the job?! NO! Dude, I don't want to answer the door! Screw that! I'm calling in sick and crawling back under the covers! NO NO NO! Oh, man... here we go. So long, world. It's been nice. Except you, grapes. You're officially on my shit list now.
5:21 am - Oh. It's the neighbor lady. The one with, like, a cemetery in her backyard. Hooray. Why is she here? Does she seriously just want to chat at... whatever crack-end of morning it is right now?
5:43 am - OH MY GOOOOOSSSHHH. Lady, shut up! I don't care about what books you're reading or all your dead relatives or the history of horseshoes. For reals. Did you forget your medication or something? Cripes.
6:01 am - Oh thank God, my ride's here. I'm still waiting 'til you go back to your house, though. Creepy as balls. Yeah, bye... okay..... see you later.... not. Sheesh. I live in a bloody Wes Anderson adaptation of Silent Hill.
6:02 am - Oh, man. Steve's creepy, too, now that I think about it. I really need a car or bike or something, because carpooling is super not fun. Well, at least I'm on my own at work. NO GRAPES PANCAKES FOR ME AT WORK, YOU HEAR ME, DOUCHEWIPE?!
.....................Tick tock, tick tock.......................
2:24 pm - Ugh. What a day. Clearly, I have absolutely no support whatsoever from the boys at the office in the event of another burglary. And ohheylook. My dick of a mailman threw my bills on the ground again. Not like any vandals are gonna come pay my bills while I'm away, but there is such a thing as wind you know! Hussy.
2:30 pm - Alright. Bills paid. Time for a friggin' nap up in here!
2:31 pm - Or, apparently, it's time for tending to the apple tree. Sure. Let's do that before we forget. Heaven forbid some amateur gardener's mediocre apples don't come out just perfectly mediocre.
2:40 pm - Oh, are we taking a nap now? Are you sure, 'cause I'm up for another round of weeding or a trip to the store. No? Good. Even men need their beauty sleep, you know.
3:40 pm - Hmm? Mm. *YAWN* Man. Feeling better already. Maybe today won't suck so hard after- WHY DO I HAVE A FIREPLACE IN MY BEDROOM? NO. This is unacceptable. Fireplaces are- I don't care if it has auto-start/stop. Fireplaces are a hazard! How much did this cost anyway? Where's my laptop? I need to check my bank acco- Sweet mother of pearl, dude! Why?! No! Make it go away! Make the fireplace go away! Gah! I hate you so much right now.
3:41 pm - Holy monkey butts, this fireplace is toasty warm! You know....... I could get used to this! All fancy and shit with a fireplace in the bedroom. I'm sure the GF will dig this, too. Not bad, dude..... not too bad at all.
3:42 pm - Huh. Speak of the devil. That's her on the ol' cell phone now. Hopefully she'll appreciate the kind of day I've had.
4:25 pm - Or, we could talk for a half-hour about her favorite movies, her job, and the history of horseshoes. Seriously, was there an article in the paper I missed or something? Oooh, never mind that, my stomach is pissed. Hats off to you, juice box. Man, I need some grub, pronto. I'm kind of in the mood for something simple. Relaxing. Maybe that little diner down on 5th.
4:49 pm - Yeah, or the super fancy place downtown. That works, too. Totally not formal and stressful and uppity and an hour-long wait. OH SURE LET'S INVITE MY GIRLFRIEND. Jiminy Christmas, man. Now I gotta get all dressed up and everything, too. How many times do I have to Sigh before I get to make a decision on my own? Sheesh. And I'm not even married yet.
5:32 pm - Just kidding. Apparently I'm proposing tonight. Look, dude. My knee hurts, that dinner did not sit well with me at all, I'm still super tired, and I really don't want to do this right now. Cool. We'll just go through with it all anyway. Uh.... Surprise, honey! I didn't see it coming either.
5:33 pm - Phew! Well, at least she said yes, aaaannnnddd now we're just gonna start making out in front of all the other patrons. Yep. That seems like really the best course of action.
5:38 pm - Seriously, I don't know if, like, 5 straight minutes of kissing is healthy. Especially if that dinner comes back up. Oh. Now she's leaving. Right. Work. Alright, honey. I'll just stand here in my formal duds then. Like a douchebag. Bye! You'll have to come by sometime and check out my new fireplace!
5:39 pm - By the glowing looks, I am 100% certain everyone at this restaurant thinks I'm a used tampon.
6:02 pm - At the gym now? I guess? Because that's gotta be the best way to celebrate an engagement. Treadmill had to be the worst choice, but that seems to be my day so far: one long string of worst choices. That I didn't even make. For reals, though, that food is planning out a reunion tour. And not the good kind that everyone's been clamoring for. The kind that nobody really wanted or likes that comes decades too late with several new band members and that barely manages to break even, solidifying the band in the annals of musical history as just another washed-out, third-rate act with nothing to offer society but halfhearted greed and cliché addictions.
6:06 pm - Nothing quite says "I've made it. This is the good life." like puking up your guts in the stall of a public unisex bathroom. Hope you're proud, mom and dad.
6:17 pm - Heading home I hope? Nope. Looks like we're gonna swing by the park. Righteous.
6:31 pm - Oh. No, dude. Look, I know that playing chess was totally on my list of things to do, but playing it with strangers in the park is not what I had in mind. Maybe on my laptop. You know. At home? In bed? Next to that awesome fireplace? Remember that? Yeah. Wouldn't want that to go to waste, right? Ooohhh... hi. Great. This guy looks like a chess god. Seriously, where do you even buy plaid suspenders anymore?
6:35 pm - Holy knight to rook four! This guy sucks a whole hatchery's worth of eggs at this. I might actually have a chance at winning!
6:50 pm - Man, I feel smarter and more logical just playing this match! And, I'm just two moves away from putting this schmuck in checkmate! Ha! Wait... no, dude, why are we leaving? No! Hey! Fartface! I've just got two more- HEY! Aw, dude, you are just the worst. WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!
7:03 pm - I just want to cry right now, but I don't even have the energy to do that. Sigh. Just glad to finally be home. I really need to- *sniff* Augch! What on... what on earth is that smell? Jeepers creepers! Did a burglar get stuck in the ventilation and die? Or is that just the smell of rotting hopes and dreams? Gah! *cough cough* Ugh. It's coming from the fridge. What, did someone leave a diaper smoothie in here? Aw, man, it's the pizza! And the pancakes! Gross! Now I gotta throw out all this food, too. Ballsacks. Today has just not been my day.
7:07 pm - Well, that was... decidedly unrighteous.
7:11 pm - Great, now I've got to whip up a whole new something. Though, between the puking and that smell, I don't know if my appetite's even- Oh. I guess that doesn't matter. Alright, spaghetti it is then. Cool.
7:20 pm - Cooking blows.
7:29 pm - Also, burnt spaghetti. Blecgh. Yet another fantastic waste of food.
7:37 pm - Okay. Lookin' like it's gonna be canned soup for me, then. I'll just... hobo it up then, shall I? Stupendous. Though I must admit, for an upset stomach, a simple can of soup actually might be best.
7:52 pm - You know? I do feel better. It's the little miracles, I suppose. Alright! Time for some TV! Oh, couch! How I've missed you! Take all my troubles and let me run away to another world! Haha! Okay, got the remote, aaaannnddd... No. No, the TV did not just break. It did not just pop, and spark, and barf out a cloud of smoke. This.... this can't be happening right now.
7:53 pm - FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
7:54 pm - Please. Dude! I'll do whatever you want. I mean, I kinda do anyway, but please! Can we just replace the TV? I could really use some down time right now. I'll do anything. Won't even complain. I'll eat grapes pancakes for every meal. Whatever. Just, please... bring back my little flickering light of hope.
7:55 pm - This is it. This is the end of all existence as we know it. I've been ignoring the signs all day, but I see now. The world has come to its end. The watchmaker has let the universe run its course, and the final seconds are ticking by. And here I am, just reading a book. Why? What do you have against me, that you would have me fritter away these last few precious moments just reading a book? As that giant second-hand in the sky counts down to the termination of life as we know it, how can I just sit here flipping through some fantasy world? What about the real world, and all the adventures it has to offer? What about my fiancée? I should be spending these final, fleeting breaths expressing my love to her! I am such a horrible person to simply lounge here on the couch, casually perusing someone else's imagination. I am the worst kind of human. And you are the worst kind of everything for keeping me here.
7:56 pm - Actually, now that I think about it, why die worried? Why spend my last minutes feeling nothing but regrets? I love reading. I can't change my fate, so I might as well enjoy what I have in this moment, and be grateful that here, at the end, I was finally given a slice of heaven, a glimpse of peace, a taste of inner tranquility here in the simplicity of these pages. I.... I think I'm ready. I'm ready to go.
8:08 pm - There is a disappointing lack of explosions for being an Apocalypse.
8:30 pm - Perhaps.... this isn't the end of all life as we know it? Hm... On the flip-side, though, this book totally blows.
8:41 pm - Well. It looks as if the world is still intact, and I guess we're going for a jog around the neighborhood. Wait, what? What is this? "Don't Break a Sweat"? How am I supposed to jog without breaking a sweat? I don't even have control over what I eat or when I sleep. What makes you think I can control my sweat glands? What- oh hey. It's working. Huh.... Why don't we do this every time? I could get used to not sweating ever again.
9:06 pm - Ahhh, nothing like a nighttime jog to purify the mind. Just kidding! You can't stop running because what if there are rapists and muggers hiding in the bushes? Now I'm tense and my eye is twitching from all the adrenaline. But hey! Welcome to my today! Haha.... ahaha..... ahahahahahaHAHAHAHA! Doesn't get any better than this! AHAHA! Me? Nope. Not a complaint in the world! Heehee! Everything's perfect and I like perfect because perfect doesn't get any more perfect than perfect! HAHAHA!
9:07 pm - Whoa. Blacked out there for a second. What are we doing? Sleep? Really? For serious, we're going to bed? Awwwwwwww yeeeaaahhhh.
9:08 pm - These sheets are still super gay. Just sayin'. Don't really care anymore. So tired...
11:15 pm - BWAH! What's beeping? What's going on?! Wh-oooooOOOOOLY BALLS INSIDE MORE BALLS MY ROOM IS ON FIRE! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I TOLD YOU THIS MONKEY-FIGHTIN' FIREPLACE WAS A MONDAY-TO-FRIDAY HAZARD! OH MAN, I AM SO NOT EQUIPPED FOR THIS. DO I EVEN OWN A FIRE EXTINGUISHER? WAS THAT A THING THAT WE GOT? WAS IT?!
11:16 pm - Thank the maker, the fire department is here. Yes! Go! Save, well... actually, I don't really care about the bed sheets. Save the fireplace! I'll... just go ball up in a corner somewhere.
11:21 pm - I like my corner somewhere. It's a good corner somewhere. I like my corner somewhere. It's a good corner somewhere. I like my corner somewhere. It's a good corner somewhere.
11:38 pm - Fire department finished cleaning up. Think I'll just stay up and watch TV for a while. Oh, right. TV's still broke. Guess I'll just sit on the couch. Hello, couch.
11:59 pm - My bedroom is in ashes, along with my life, and probably my mental state. And all I can think about is how hungry I am. I don't miss my fiancée, I don't miss my TV or my comfy bed, I don't miss my sanity or the moments of epiphany and peace I once help within my grasp. I don't miss the sleep that so adamantly eludes me. I don't want closure or retribution. I have no desire to seek justice in all this calamity, to find order amidst the chaos. There is no metaphysical rage I need to express, nor any overwhelming sense of curiosity or confusion.
In all honesty, all I really want right now is a giant stack of grapes pancakes.
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