Speak Now or Become a Zombie: Guest Post From the Future!

So, since I'm way not cool or special enough to have a real person waste their time writing a guest post yet, I decided to ask my future self to write one for me. Unfortunately, by that point, I had become too cool and special (and douchey, apparently), and I refused to help "present me" in any way, shape, or form. But I put myself in touch with another dude from the future, Dennis. He was nice enough to give me some of the details about how fresh the future is, as well as some of the horrors that await us as a species...

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy!!! What's bubblin' dudes and dudettes? So, I'm Dennis, and I'm writin' to you geeks and freaks from 2037. Your friend, Adam, is gonna be turning 49 soon. His surprise b-day party is being held at Leapin' Lizards I think (yeah, they're still around), so shhh. Now, I'm sure you're all probably wondering about the big questions like "who became President?", "who wins the Super Bowl?", "are there flying cars?", and "when do they revive Walt Disney's corpse and establish the Fourth Reich?" All legitimate questions, but I think there are several, more important issues you may also be interested in along the way. Probably the biggest happening in the past few decades (aside from the Bacon Shortage of 2025, which I'll get to shortly) was the Zombie Wars. I know we all joked about it as kids; maybe some of us actually dreamed of the day we would fight back wave after wave of the undead with nothing more than a shotgun, a Beretta, and a blood-soaked machete. Well, you will get your wish, fair citizen, and so much more.