Summer and All Such Good Things

WHOA!

*COUGH* *HACK* *WHEEZE*

Yikes. Sorry about that, folks. It's been a while, hasn't it? How are ya? Yeah? Kids doin' good? Great! I see you got a new car. Nice, it looks good. You look good, too, you been working out? Alright... well, look it was great seeing you... maybe we can get together sometime for coffee or something... you know, catch up on life and everything. What? Oh, I have to go now. Well I have this... thing. No, I can't talk about it, it's classified. Look, you have my number, right? Just hit me up later and maybe we can grab lunch. I know some great places. Yeah, take care.

1 WEEK LATER, AT THIS GREAT PLACE I KNOW...

The Little Revisionist Western Kids Comedy That Could

So, a while back, my family took me out for my birthday to see the latest contender for Best Animated Film of the Year, Rango. And I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. Confused, yes, but in a good way. You see, the film was produced by none other than Nickelodeon Movies who, as a company, are noted for making kids stuff.

Never forget.

And Rango was billed no differently - a silly kids comedy about a talking lizard who gets lost in the desert and discovers an Old West-style society of other talking animals, and they make fart jokes for the children and thinly veiled sexual innuendos for the parents who are still listening. But, dear reader, that is a lie. Whatever Nickelodeon told you about this film is a complete and utter falsity (well, no, there are still a few fart jokes). Rango is a kids comedy in much the same way Disney/PIXAR's UP was. That is to say, hardly at all. While UP lured you in with its promise of heartwarming adventure and the occasional joke, only to dehydrate your tear ducts for the other hour and a half of the film, Rango entices you with silly characters, harrowing action scenes, and the rustic charm of the American West, but it delivers so much more in the form of strong dramatic narrative and thematic existentialism threaded throughout. That is my warning to those of you who have yet to enjoy this brilliant little film: THIS IS NOT A KIDS COMEDY. This is a surprisingly dense revisionist western wrapped up in a kids comedy quesadilla. And if you're anything like me, you'll need to see it more than once.

A Series of Unfortunate Muscle Contractions

So, tonight while I was at work, I found myself rummaging through our supplies drawer in search of mints or the essence of joy or whatever. I eventually managed to find a small package of gum with a single, lonely stick remaining. Someone, in their evil genius, had torn the front of the packaging off, removing any trace or indication of what flavor the gum was. All I knew was that it was of the Trident Layers variety, which combine multiple flavors together in a taste explosion much like the exploding gum from Mission Impossible.

"And then it's all, BAM! Blue Raspberry outta nowhere."

Friday! Friday! A Day Which Will Live in Fun-famy! And Shame.

If you haven't already been treated to the musical, lyrical, and visual abortion that is Rebecca Black's Friday video, you simply must. I'd venture to guess that this video may someday even replace Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up as the go-to hyperlink prank. But, beneath the horrifyingly inane lyrics ("Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday, Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards."), the laughably bad tween "dancing", the head-scratching video effects, and Usher's inexplicable rap cameo, there may lie motives far more sinister.

"On second thought, why don't you just take the bus."

A Comprehensive List of Things That Make My Day

Read the title.

   Now read it again.

      Read it once more!

Bwahahahaaa!

*Ahem* Let's begin....

A Comprehensive List of Things That Freaking Creep Me Out

Read the title. You're good to go.

Speak Now or Become a Zombie: Guest Post From the Future!

So, since I'm way not cool or special enough to have a real person waste their time writing a guest post yet, I decided to ask my future self to write one for me. Unfortunately, by that point, I had become too cool and special (and douchey, apparently), and I refused to help "present me" in any way, shape, or form. But I put myself in touch with another dude from the future, Dennis. He was nice enough to give me some of the details about how fresh the future is, as well as some of the horrors that await us as a species...

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy!!! What's bubblin' dudes and dudettes? So, I'm Dennis, and I'm writin' to you geeks and freaks from 2037. Your friend, Adam, is gonna be turning 49 soon. His surprise b-day party is being held at Leapin' Lizards I think (yeah, they're still around), so shhh. Now, I'm sure you're all probably wondering about the big questions like "who became President?", "who wins the Super Bowl?", "are there flying cars?", and "when do they revive Walt Disney's corpse and establish the Fourth Reich?" All legitimate questions, but I think there are several, more important issues you may also be interested in along the way. Probably the biggest happening in the past few decades (aside from the Bacon Shortage of 2025, which I'll get to shortly) was the Zombie Wars. I know we all joked about it as kids; maybe some of us actually dreamed of the day we would fight back wave after wave of the undead with nothing more than a shotgun, a Beretta, and a blood-soaked machete. Well, you will get your wish, fair citizen, and so much more.

Madison and Back Again: A Sibling's Tale

So, last night, my sister and I drove up to Madison, WI to see Marc Broussard live (as in, "play in person", not "watch him eat breakfast and go about his day"). We were a bit wary, as the venue was about a block away from the Wisconsin capitol building, which was, that very day, playing host to some 40,000 various protesters from both the pro-worker unions and the Tea Party. Thankfully, by the time we got there, only a handful of the protesters remained, and the city had quieted down to its (presumably) normal state of "hipster invasion". Beards, flannel, and ironically un-ironic hats were inescapable. And they naturally congregated to the Majestic Theatre for Broussard's soulful crooning, along with some really obnoxious business dudes (who, as luck would have it, stood right behind us); some drunk married women who wanted nothing more than to flaunt the last remains of their waning sexuality to a crowd of uninterested music snobs; and that one creepy, old, balding (though still rockin' a ponytail!) guy in the front corner who kept having rhythmic seizures to every song.

"It's okay! He's just dancing!"

Sleepin' Late on a Saturday: Discovering Marc Broussard

First, let me say I'm a little frustrated by this month's Musical Discovery, Marc Broussard. And you wouldn't like me when I'm frustrated.

That's your hypothetical computer, by the way, not mine.

Here's why: it is dang near impossible to find any (legal) quality recordings of this guy's music anywhere. Pretty much all the YouTube videos of him were recorded on cell phones or worse. He's only released a couple official music videos, and his fans seem to think that sharing his genius with the rest of the world is nothing short of a felony.

5 Life Lessons From an Altruistic Aussie

Now, I'm not much of a cooking show kinda guy, but every now and again I'll find one that intrigues me enough to bring me back for seconds (see what I did there?). Now, since my culinary experience mostly amounts to taking things out of their packaging and, if need be, microwaving them, I don't really like super-serious, ultra-complex shows; in fact, I personally think that the host is just as important as the food, if not more so. You might think I'd thus go for attractive female cooks like Rachel Ray, but you'd be wrong. See, the problem with Rachel Ray and her saucy (did it again!) counterparts, is that the woman is more delicious looking than the food. And, unfortunately, I can't make one of her at home with a few simple ingredients and a little elbow grease.

She comes pre-heated.

So, with the recent blizzard here in the Chicago area (well, all over the place, really), everyone's been snowed in, and I've spent some quality time on the Netflix Watch Instantly page, surfing for some good, lite TV to gorge myself on. I stumbled upon a show called Take Home Chef starring a charming Aussie named Curtis Stone. It's been a lot of fun, and I've picked up a few interesting life lessons to complement all the cooking advice that's gone in one ear and out the other...

Johnny Winter: Musical Discovery of the Month

I will be the first to admit that I am nowhere close to a music "aficionado". I love music, and am a firm believer in the idea that life should be more musical, whether that entails more song-and-dance numbers or epic scores to accompany everyday life. I mean, come on... who doesn't want Clint Mansell's "Requiem for a Dream" playing every time they open a stubborn jar of pickles or bike to the 7-11? However, despite my appreciation and adoration for the art, I cannot truthfully claim that I am some encyclopedic buff with a sweeping knowledge that covers the entire scope of musical history. I have the various bands that I enjoy, and that's about it. I don't go digging under rocks for those treasures buried in the windswept sands of forgotten time. I don't hang out at local underground bars in hopes of discovering the next "indie" phenom. I do, however, have access to programs like Rhapsody and, more recently, Pandora, and they're helping to open up my world musically, allowing me to freely explore as many different artists and genres as my heart desires.

And so, I thought it might be fun to share this journey with you guys, posting a new "Musical Discovery of the Month" every, well... month. Hopefully, you might be able to find a few new favorites here, too. So, without any further adieu, I'd like to introduce my first ever DiscoMo (????).

A Stroll Through the Cr(app) Store

I was searching through the App Store on my iPod recently and accidentally found this little gem tucked away in a corner. If you visit the link and click "more" under the Description section, you'll see this flight reference app is "useful for passengers and pilot" and can even be used "during flight to learn more about turbulence and ash clouds". Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm suspended in a moderately uncomfortable chair 35,000 feet above Nowhere, USA, I don't want my pilot referencing a $1.99 app on his phone to learn more about freaking anything.

A rough estimate of Nowhere, USA.

In light of this, I've decided to go in search of a few more apps that may have sounded great on paper, but kind of blow chunks on Retina Display. They may be crisp, clear, vibrantly detailed chunks, but they're chunks nonetheless.

13 Years on Rainey Street: Looking Back on King of the Hill

I've been a long-time fan of Mike Judge's Americana masterpiece, King of the Hill, and was thoroughly disappointed when Fox made the decision years ago to stop releasing the seasons on DVD due to cost/benefit reasons. While watching the first 6 seasons on DVD with my dad, we fell a little behind on the current seasons, and access to the episodes (legally or otherwise) was limited at the time, so we waited patiently for Fox to do something right for once. Not surprisingly, nothing came of it.

A Step Away From Brilliance: The Social Network Review

It's difficult to imagine what potential value, if any, there would be in a dramatic narrative film (as opposed to a documentary) made about a social networking site like Facebook or Twitter or, heaven forbid, MySpace (it even feels weird to type now). However, from the moment I first saw the trailers for The Social Network in theaters, I was inexplicably intrigued. There were no explosions, no spectacular special effects, no ridiculous stunts, and no Bruce Willis in sight. That's not to say I can't be drawn in by a riveting drama or a kitschy romantic comedy now and again, they're just few and far between. But Social Network had me curious from the get-go. Unfortunately, with my busy schedule around the time of its theatrical release, I never really had a chance to see it. And once it came out on DVD, the film had sort of slipped back under my radar. It turns out, all I needed was an excuse. So, when my good friend, Tim Gibson, suggested I review the movie for this blog, that was all it took to finally add the film to my library.

I'm glad I did. Aside from one major, though by no means deal-breaking, complaint (which I'll address later), I thought the movie was a stunning success.

The Green Hornet: Wickedly Mediocre

So, I just got back from the midnight showing of The Green Hornet, and I must say, it was an unfortunately hit-or-miss adventure. If you're wondering "Is it one of those films where basically all the good parts are in the trailer?", the answer is a resounding "pretty much". For a superhero movie that seems to tout its uniqueness from other superhero legends, the film is littered with clichés and characters who don't seem to take anything in their world seriously.

"You don't think I'm scary? Why don't you think I'm scary? I have a double-barreled gun. That should be scaring you right now! Do you think I'm old? Gah! I'm too old for being a crime boss. That's why you don't find me scary, isn't it? I knew it! Please, tell me how I could be scaring you better. I... I'm no good at this."

12 Addicting Video Games of Days Gone By (Part 2)

(Continued from Part 1 [Duh] - make sure you read that first!)

6. Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 (PC): This was another one of those inexplicably enjoyable games. I mean, really? Managing a theme park? Hiring staff? Cleaning up vomit? Fixing broken toilets? Yet the game was a smash hit. Indeed, there was far more to the game than that, but all that stuff was in there, too, which is really a testament to everything else. Arguably, the best part of the game was designing your own roller coasters and trying to stuff as many awesome rides and attractions into whatever miserable plot of land you'd been assigned. Some missions necessitated your park rating and occupancy be at a certain level by a certain time, while others required you build a successful park around a specific theme.

Like this apparently Alcatraz-themed park.

12 Addicting Video Games of Days Gone By (Part 1)

I was a bit of a late-comer to the video game scene, because my parents had this inkling (as most parents do) that these virtual realities might, in fact, be soul-binding death traps of entertainment with addictive properties on par with a cake made of heroin.

Blow out your candles, honey!

They were (as most parents are) pretty spot on, but just to be sure, I insisted on doing some hands-on research. And, once I started earning an allowance and eventually got a job of my own, I was free to spend money on frivolous things like food and clothes or on necessities like video games. And so, throughout the years, I waxed and waned with the tide of different genres and series. Naturally, as with any relationship, there were good times and bad - Marios and Waluigis - but these are the esteemed titles that hold the fondest memories of sleepless nights glued to a screen.

6 Great Books That Need a Silver Screen Treatment

Books have been getting a makeover lately. With the explosion of eBook technology, and the market flooded with eReaders like the Kindle and the NOOK, it seems the printed word is getting a run for its money. But there’s another type of transformation many books have been undergoing recently: the silver screen makeover. Adaptation of comic books, novels, memoirs, and the like are spreading through Hollywood like wildfire. And yet, in all the chaos, there are a few greats (or at least personal favorites) they seem to have missed.

5 Reasons Why Dogs Are the Ultimate Pets

The human race has been domesticating animals for thousands of years in an attempt to make them do tricks, play games, guard homes, sport designer fashions, and generally be less sucky as our cohabitants on this planet we call Earth. However, among the chief reasons to domesticate animals is for companionship. Some of us are elderly and thus, many of our friends have passed on. Some of us are loners and prefer the untamed mountains or endless fields to pesky neighbors and “family fun night”. Some of us were born into solitude (here’s lookin’ at you, Richie Rich). Still others of us just plain suck at socializing; but despite the reasons, we humans have an underlying need for companionship, and for some of us that void is better filled by pets than people.

To Aspiring Authors and Other Insensible People

There are 1,001 reasons to hate writing. While it’s relatively easy to learn, it’s often incredibly difficult to master (something I have by no means achieved). With the advent of and easy access to online resources and audiences (via blogging *cough cough*, Twitter, etc.), the market is flooded with material. It takes time and effort and doesn’t always pay very well. Heck, I bet this isn’t even close to the first “Writers Writing About Writing” article on Blogger. There. You see? 1,001 reasons. So, why, might you ask, did I choose to open on this topic? Well...

- I couldn’t think of anything better to write about at the moment.

- I am vain enough to think I might have something new to offer on the subject.

- There’s the off chance that you missed all those other “Writers Writing About Writing” articles (in which case, just assume this is the only one).

- Oddly enough, writing is one of the easiest topics to write about.

- And because I can.