A Day in the Life of a Sim

As I've mentioned before, The Sims and all its many grandchildren were, and still are, a big part of my gaming habit. But I got to thinking... what does the world look like to a Sim? With some oblivious dipstick like me ruling over every step of every day from cradle to grave, how would a regular person react if they could in such a situation? Here's what I think the Sims see from their level on a typical given day under my command:

12:08 am - Still watching TV. It's been hours now, with the same 5 minutes of programming stuck on repeat. I really wouldn't mind reading a book or squeezing in a nice jog before hitting the hay. But I can't seem to will myself off the couch. TV it is, I guess. 

12:40 am - Hittin' the fridge. Grabbing some... what is this, week-old pancakes? Really? I'm pretty sure I saw some leftover pizza in there. That looked pretty good. No? Ballsacks. Alright then. I mean, my girlfriend's the one who likes pancakes. I kinda made these for her, really. But yeah, sure. Pancakes. Grapes pancakes. Why does the package say "Grapes" and not just "Grape"? Who even puts grapes in pancakes? Who... why is that even a thing? Who puts grapes in anything, for that matter? And why am I eating right before bed? I'm just gonna have to wake up in the middle of the night to take a dump. Like always. 

12:45 am - Man...... screw pancakes. 

14 of the Worst Sportsfolk Ever Allowed on a Field (Part 2)

The epic conclusion to one of the most beloved classics in modern blogging history! Heartstrings will be tugged. Tensions will run high. Popcorn will be spilled. Don't miss a single moment! Let the beginning of the end commence!

(Before you start, be sure to check out Part 1!)


7. Maurice Flitcroft

As seen on: Golf

Technically, Maurice Flitcroft never made it to the pros. But technically, Maurice Flitcroft was absotively, posilutlely bananas.

"Dad always told me there was money in the banana stand."

Even though he never made it past the British Open - and he never should have made it that far - going pro was Flitcroft's dream, and no one, not even his record-breakingly bad golf game, was going to tell him otherwise.

14 of the Worst Sportsfolk Ever Allowed on a Field (Part 1)

There's a little bit of sports fan in all some a few of us. I, myself, am a baseball man, though I take in the occasional (American) football - or "handegg" if you prefer - and basketball game, too. Those of us who have the appropriately-colored blood pumping through our veins love to cheer for our favorite teams and hope to frighten the others with our boos until they collapse in a puddle of piss and shame.

Or wet themselves laughing.

Unfortunately, no team is ever perfect, as much as any rabid fan or PR agent would love for you to believe. Even the '95 Bulls had Randy Brown. He wasn't bad, per se, certainly not enough to earn him a spot on the list, but he missed 6 of every 10 shots he took that season. Not exactly highlight reel stuff. And every fan's been there: we've all had to shake our heads through at least one player whose performance is more akin to an autistic, one-armed chimpanzee folding a paper airplane. This list is a celebration of truly some of the worst in professional point-scoring. I've tried to keep it varied, so that each of the big sports gets some representation.

So, without further adieu, those whose collective presence anywhere other than the stands is still more baffling to science than string theory or black holes.

The 6 Stupidest Gamer Complaints

Video games are, in this day and age, nothing short of an art form. Like any other medium, they (should) strive to convey meaningful stories with compelling characters based in a living, breathing world with the added bonus of engaging, addictive, and evolving gameplay. Now, there are numerous titles (lookin' at you, sports games) that may not call for narrative storytelling, and that's okay. Like all art, the audience needs to understand the intent and purpose of each piece before making judgments. And, like all art, much of the audience completely fails at doing so.

Games have a growing number of critics, especially among their fans, and as games get more and more refined, so do the people who play them. Unfortunately, there are those among us who seem to have unequivocally missed the point altogether, bringing to the table such retarded complaints as...

5 Popular Foods and Their Baffling Origins

Food is just kinda one of those things, you know? One of those ubiquitous things that we just can't seem to get through life without bumping into every now and again.

"Oh, I'd really rather not..."

Thankfully, a number of scientists have dedicated their lives to engineering the perfect flavors, so that the burden of eating is not so unbearable. And generally, it's the tastier foods that become the most popular.

Generally.

All this flavor-exploding, however, may be part of a larger conspiracy to distract the populous from the bizarre truths behind many of our favorite foods. As it turns out...