(Before you start, be sure to check out Part 1!)
7. Maurice Flitcroft
As seen on: Golf
Technically, Maurice Flitcroft never made it to the pros. But technically, Maurice Flitcroft was absotively, posilutlely bananas.
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| "Dad always told me there was money in the banana stand." |
It all started on a hot summer day in 1976. It was time for the beloved British Open, one of the four major championship tournaments in professional golf, the others being The Masters, The U.S. Open, and the PGA Championship. Being that Flitcroft was in Britain (studies show this is actually quite common among British people), and the other three majors are held in America, he had but one choice. It didn't matter that his clubs were cheap mail-orders, or that he'd brought too many and was forced to leave some at the clubhouse. It didn't matter that he was wearing false teeth, plastic shoes, and a fishing hat. It didn't matter that he'd never played a full round of golf in his life. Flitcroft had totally lied his balls off on the application to get in, and he was not going to miss his chance at what later became one of the most historical rounds of golf ever played at the Open. And not in the surprisingly great, "Let's make a Disney movie about this" kinda way.
On the very first hole, Flitcroft pulled his club straight up in the air, then tomahawked it down, punching a divot into the tee box and chopping his first drive of the afternoon just a few meters, behind a tree. One of his unfortunate partners that fateful day was a man named Jim Howard, who went on to play pretty decent pro golf and eventually became a long-standing club professional in Wales. He was positively mortified at everything Flitcroft brought to the game. "The club came up vertical, and came down vertical," Howard reminisced. "It was like he was trying to murder someone."
Maurice Flitcroft bumbled his way through every brush, rough, sandtrap, tree, and parking lot on the course, eventually posting a miserable 121 - a mere 49 points over par - the worst score ever carded in the history of the British Open. EVER. Since it's very first round in 1860. And it's doubtful that record will ever be beaten. Especially since they introduced qualifier rounds to keep turds like Flitcroft from hitting the official links. Maurice was immediately banned from every golf course in the country, because British people don't eff around when it comes to the important things.
But none of that stopped Flitcroft. He put on disguises, comprised mostly of different hats and a fake handlebar mustache dyed in food-coloring, and entered under a variety of false names, ranging from the believable (Gene Pacecki) to the cheesy (Arnold Palmtree) to the laughable (James Beau Jolly) to the downright retarded (Count Manfred Von Hoffmenstal). He entered every Open qualifier he could. Sometimes, he was stopped at registration and booted out, but more often, he wouldn't be discovered until his almost poignantly bad golfing gave him away. Officials were always kept on the lookout for that distinctive tomahawk swing and the rampant stray balls. One time, the R&A (the officials in charge of the Open) employed a handwriting expert to sniff out Flitcroft's forged entries.
This went on for decades, until Flitcroft finally called it quits. However, his wild shaming of the sacred game of golf on holy British grounds is still a thorn in the side of the R&A today, so much so that they refuse to offer an official statement about Flitcroft when asked. Maurice and his goofy, outgoing nature are less hesitant: "I was looking to find fame and fortune," he laughs, "but only achieved one of the two." Not bad for a random crane operator from Lancashire.
6. Kelly Taylor / Vanessa Lima
As seen on: Tennis
Kelly Taylor was a British-born girl who found her one, true love in playing tennis in the US. Vanessa Lima is a Brazilian tennis player who has spent time both on the pro and semi-pro circuits. At least, as far as I can tell. I swear, info on female athletes - good or bad - is about as easy to find as Jimmy Hoffa or leftovers at a Weight Watchers convention. I was also unable to locate any pictures of either of these women, for which I apologize and offer this adorable scene as compensation.
What I can tell you is that both of these racket girls (or whatever they like to be called) are magnificently bad at what they do.
Kelly Taylor only ever played 9 matches, and she lost every single one. Now, 9 matches isn't all that impressive, by any standards, but each match is made up of sets, either best of three or best of five. Over 9 matches, Kelly Taylor played 18 sets, and she lost every single one. But, hey, don't feel bad. Because each set consists of 6 games, so there's always a chance to shine. Over 9 matches and 18 sets, Kelly Taylor played 108 games.
And she lost every single one.
Unfortunately, there aren't any stats on whether or not she lost every single point of every single game of every single set of every single match. However, after that brief and utterly soul-crushing career on the ITF / WTA circuit, Kelly Taylor gracefully bowed out.
Vanessa Lima did not, and from what I can tell, she's still playing to this day. Starting back in 1999, Lima's body decided "Tennis can suck it," and stopped being good. Sadly, Lima's brain never received that memo and continued to plow right on through to today, skipping from match to match in hopes of scoring some of that sweet, sweet prize money.
So, for the past 13 years, Vanessa Lima has toured around South America, playing in 44 different matches. She, like Taylor, has lost every single one. She's also lost every single one of her 85 sets, as well. She did manage to salvage 22 game wins somewhere in all that mess, but that's out of 400 that she's played. That's right around 5%. But, apparently an 11-year-long 85-set loss streak isn't enough to break Lima's will, which I suppose earns her points for respect.
5. Steve Buzinski
As seen on: Hockey
It was October, 1942. As the cold Atlantic winds swept in across the streets of Manhattan, the New York Rangers were pacing nervously inside Madison Square Garden. Their team, which had, just the year prior, gone on to win the Stanley Cup, had lost over half their players to enlistment. Apparently, all that fighting in the rink translated well to the art of Nazi- and Tojo-punching. Sadly, that left the Rangers in just about the worst shape a team can be left in aside from "Everybody's got AIDS. Like, literally, everyone on the team. And diarrhea."
In a flustered panic, the manager and coach reached out to every scout in Canada, looking for somebody - anybody - who could tend their net, as they were seriously considering just going to training camp without a goalie. Then a telegram (remember... 1940s) came through from Saskatchewan that simply read: "HAVE YOUR MAN. WILL REPORT NEXT WEEK. HIS NAME: STEVE BUZINSKI."
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| "MAYBE INVEST IN SOME PAPER BAGS, THOUGH." |
Upon arrival, Buzinski somehow managed to underwhelm even those expectations, showing up late, for one, and shorter, skinnier and more bowlegged than any goalie anyone had ever seen. He wore tattered clothes and looked as if he were "full of holes", but he still blocked every test shot the Rangers threw at him. The coach took this as a good sign, but it was quite the opposite. It wasn't so much Buzinski who was good, but all the other players who were bad. And that was proved the moment they stepped on the ice. The very first Rangers game of the season was played against the Maple Leafs, in which Buzinski allowed 7 goals, his team only scoring 2. And that was right on par for Steve and the boys - they gave up an average of 5 goals a game.
To be fair, Buzinski only got to play in 9 games during that single pro season. However, he got knocked over by errant pucks, scored on his own goal, and his technique of "falling in front of the net and hoping the puck doesn't go over me" failed him and failed him often. He went 2-6-1 in his starts, and allowed an unprecedented 55 goals in that time, earning him the nickname Steve "The Puck Goes In-ski" Buzinski.
Though, in his defense (since he clearly lacked any himself), the man was always lighthearted about his miserable performances and kept his teammates laughing. During one game, Buzinski had let the Red Wings score 7 goals in the first period before he finally made his first save of the evening, snatching a shot with his glove. As one of his teammates skated by, he quipped, "Nothin' to it. Just like pickin' cherries off a tree." He went on to allow 5 more goals in the game. Unfortunately for Steve Buzinski, humor is about as useful on the ice as a cat on a keyboard.
After finishing the season, he enlisted to fight overseas, returning to play back in his old league in Saskatchewan for several more years before retiring hockey, choosing instead to focus on his work as a plant breeder for Agriculture Canada.
4. Eric Crumble
As seen on: Boxing
Eric Crumble was a determined guy. When he'd go down in a fight, you could see the fire in his eyes driving him to stagger back to his feet. He kept fighting, match after match, hoping to fulfill his dream of winning, at the very least, one. He never did. In 32 professional boxing bouts - spread over the course of 13 years - the closest he ever got was a "no contest". Every other match-up he's had (including against then soon-to-be legends like Angel Manfredy and Antwun Echols), he's lost. By knockout. In either the first of second round. I couldn't find a picture of the man (surprisingly), so I found a picture of his mentor, Joseph Glass, seen here fighting a leprechaun while chewing a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If the foreboding last name wasn't enough to keep Eric out of the ring, his proficiency as a fighter probably should have been. His style was awkward, spending far too much time with his arms at his side, leaving his fragile face wide open for punishment. He wasn't the kind to really "dance" either. He'd shuffle left or right, then charge forward, gloves flying, until his face attended that inevitable meet-n-greet with Sir Wellington Fistacuffs III.
It didn't help that Crumble had the apparent durability of a potato chip in the face of a steamroller. To go down in the first round, which he did far more often than in the second (21 of his 31 KO's), is considered little more than a joke in the fighting community. A professional fighter is usually expected to last a few rounds before succumbing. But Crumble never seemed to care. He was oddly passionate about the sport, and kept plugging away, until his reputation as world's worst fighter and the world's most reliable "tomato can" was etched into boxing history.
3. Michael Haddix
As seen on: American Football
Running backs are important people in football. They have a lot of responsibility: blocking savage defenders from snapping your quarterback like a toothpick, rushing handoffs from said toothpick down field, and catching passes to sneak into the end zone. They're more-or-less the Han Solos of of the game - they're scruffy, nerf-herding, cargo-smuggling, professional glory hounds. They get uncountable chances to be awesome, and most of them go the distance (pun not really intended, but... meh) by embodying that awesomeness.
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| The standard "Flying Judo Chop to the End Zone" play that every running back learns. |
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| My thoughts exactly, Mike. |
In a last-ditch attempt to live his dream, he forced his son, Michael Jr., to quit his promising career in NCAA basketball to try out for the Buffalo Bills.
2. Charles Anthony Suck
As seen on: Baseball
Tony Suck, as his name suggests, sucked like a damn black hole at baseball. To be fair, baseball was still rather in its infancy. Suck came on the scene in 1883, and played for such beloved and well-known teams as the Buffalo Bisons, the Baltimore Monumentals, and the Chicago Browns.
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| He wasn't even good at being a real person. That's an actual photograph. |
Probably because no one else would have him, Tony ended up joining the wildly absurd Union Association, a third major league at the time (made to compete with the National and American), which was wholly unregulated and insane. He joined the Chicago Browns and played 53 games with them until the team disbanded (a fairly common occurrence throughout the Union's bizarre, year-long stint). He then transferred to the Baltimore Monumentals and played 3 more games before the season came to a close.
Over the course of his 58 career games, he made 219 plate appearances, drew 14 walks, and connected only 31 times. 29 of those were singles, 2 were doubles. He retired with a wretched .151 batting average, a .161 slugging percentage, and an on-base-percentage of only .205. Between his time spent as a catcher, a shortstop, and an outfielder, he made a total of 53 errors - that's almost one per game, and almost 2 for every hit he got.
Not much else is known about Suck. Unsurprisingly, he vanished into the night along with the Union Association, and his major league career ended to a chorus of relieved sighs.
1. American Samoa
As seen on: Association Football (aka Soccer)
At first, I was tempted to simply post this video...
... and leave it at that. There's no single player in sports who seems to lack the willpower and the basic skill set needed to win quite as evidently as the American Samoa association football club. Their current spot in the FIFA Rankings is 186. Out of 208. It's the highest they've ever ranked, their lowest being 206.
The club is relatively young compared to some of the veteran FIFA giants, but that excuse only stretches about as far as Stevie Wonder's depth of field. Since their foundation back in the '60s, they've played 42 games against a dozen different teams. They've won 2 of those. One ended in a draw, and the other 39 were losses. And, like the above 31-0 loss to Australia (still a FIFA record), most of them were brutal.
Since the club wasn't officially inaugurated into FIFA until the late '80s (I think), the team didn't even celebrate its first official international win until the 2011 South Pacific Games against Tonga, winning 2-1. It was their first win after a 30-game losing streak. Over the course of their rampaging and utterly catastrophic failure of a career, they've scored a whopping 22 goals; but they've kept the opposition at bay - only allowing 130 goals to slip past.
I'm just kidding. They didn't actually allow 130 goals.
It was 294.
But, like many others on this list, the American Samoa football club (and I assume some sort of fan base?) have rarely let their laughably poor performance on the field discourage them. Even their website seems unquenchably positive about the future of the club. And, honestly, who are we, the world, to deny these kids the chance at fame and fortune, or at least another win? Who are we to look them in the eyes and say "Sorry... you just kinda suck. Like, a lot. And there's really not much room for that sort of thing at the top of the heap."? Who are we to stop them at the gates of eternal glory with our iron rules and our lofty expectations? Who are we to tell them 'no'?
That's Fate's job.
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