A Stroll Through the Cr(app) Store

I was searching through the App Store on my iPod recently and accidentally found this little gem tucked away in a corner. If you visit the link and click "more" under the Description section, you'll see this flight reference app is "useful for passengers and pilot" and can even be used "during flight to learn more about turbulence and ash clouds". Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm suspended in a moderately uncomfortable chair 35,000 feet above Nowhere, USA, I don't want my pilot referencing a $1.99 app on his phone to learn more about freaking anything.

A rough estimate of Nowhere, USA.

In light of this, I've decided to go in search of a few more apps that may have sounded great on paper, but kind of blow chunks on Retina Display. They may be crisp, clear, vibrantly detailed chunks, but they're chunks nonetheless.

- What's Valentine [sic] Day?: That's the bare-all question this app dares to shout from the rooftops. And I mean, really... deep down, haven't we all wondered to ourselves at some point between scribbling on the wall with crayons and trying to eat the gold-colored foil that covers those chocolate coins, what is Valentine Day? Well, this bluntly-named app aims to answer just that. With supposed "facts" about the origins of the single community's least-favorite holiday, all of which seem to be available for free in the product description (and most of which were probably yoinked from Wikipedia's eerily in-depth article), this app is really kind of a waste of 99¢ and- NO! WAIT! There's more! The app also offers "All Types of Famous Quotes" presumably relating to romance and Valentine's Day and such, though the categories listed don't necessarily reflect that (who could resist waking up to all those "Motivative" quotes?). Other than that, this app's only claim is that it has user-friendly navigation, which is the DVD equivalent of boasting about your "interactive menus".

Whoopdee-freakin-doo.

Also, this isn't really a "year-round" or even "seasonal" app, so much as a "that one time your drunk friend, Steve, asks you about Valentine's Day" app. There's really only so much mileage you can get out of a cr(app)fest like this. Though, to be fair in all this, the app was designed by some guy (?) named Dhaval Panchal, and according to
his (?) Facebook, he (?) looks like this:

So, you know... take that for what you will. To be even more fair, there were a surprising number of "Valentine Day" apps. To be fairest of them all, um.... I don't know. I just had to get that Snow White reference out of my system.

- LunchBag: According to the app's description, LunchBag was created by a 12-year-old boy. And you know what? I'm sort of inclined to believe them. No offense to the little tyke, but this app is for idiots. Granted, the world is full of them, but why cater to such a crowd? Some may say "because fools and their money are easily parted", to which I say "this is a free app". As well it should be. If you're too stupid to figure out how to pack a sandwich, some fruit, a little bag of chips, and a couple of Oreos into a paper bag and hand it to someone with a juice box or a thermos of coffee, you should not be allowed into the "Paid Apps" section of the store.

"Honey, I'm late for work. Can we just- what is this, egg salad?!"

Now, the app is supposed to help people figure out what to put in their loved ones' lunches by giving them an assortment of pre-packaged ideas. Unfortunately, the app doesn't magic (or even science) food into your refrigerator, and thus, you're really not much better off than when you started this whole lunch-making nightmare. And frankly, by the time you've finished flipping through the 100+ possible menus, staring at the drool-stained screen like a lobotomized chimp, Billy's already missed the school bus and your husband just decided "Screw it, I'll drive through Arby's or something."

- Can Crusher: This $1.99 app is meant to be both an entertaining game and an educational tool, a combination which rarely succeeds in any form. And from the looks of this app, I can't imagine it's broken any remarkable ground on that front. The idea is that you crush aluminum cans on the screen, as many as you can manage in the allotted time. At the end, the game tallies up how many cans you crushed and informs you how much you would save if you recycled that many cans. Now, one problem I see right off the bat is that pretty much every state offers a different amount in return for recyclables like aluminum cans or cardboard boxes, so unless you can specify your exact location (and I'd be willing to bet that $1.99 that you can't), the game is most likely lying to you. Second, why would you pay good money to waste your time playing this game when you could be taking your stupid cans to the nearest recycling center and getting paid good money, the correct amount of which you could access easily and for free on the center's website or via phone call.

They're just gonna make giant forts and paintball mazes out of them anyway.

Plus, if crushing and recycling cans sounds mundane and tedious in real life, I can't imagine it's all that much more exciting in "tappity-tap-tap-dang-now-my-screen-is-all-smudgy" form, either.

- Effective Money Making Ideas: I'm sure there are a million and one get-rich-quick apps, as this is prime real estate for the washed-out Business majors who got their Associates Degree in "Douchebaggery". However, I didn't really feel like sifting through all of them, and this one looked sketchy enough to work. First off, there's the vague name. Vague enough to trick an elite group of people (young enough to own an app-capable device, yet old enough to fall for pyramid schemes and Nigerian bank scams) into thinking this may be worthwhile. Heck just watch the description run circles, chasing after its own tail while trying desperately to not look retarded.

"One of the biggest concerns of many people who have been working in a job for a very long time is to find a way that they can use to retire early. But at the same time they wonder how to retire early without having to work in a job for a very long time."

Yeah. Duh. That's what 'retiring early' means - not working until you're too old and decrepit to enjoy your retirement. Also, the Redundancy Police are officially putting you on a watchlist and staking out your house.

"At some point, he's got to slip up sometime... Crap!"

In any case, that's not the only shady aspect about this mysterious treasure trove of financial secrets. Considering various financial advisers can easily rake in $100/hr. or more for their professional, refined, and degree-backed opinions, it's hard to imagine a 99¢ app could replicate the same results. That's not to say, necessarily, that all good things come in expensive packages; just that I'm probably more apt to trust the people at H&R Block with my mountains of cash (that I totally have) than a dude on the iTunes store named Pratik Solanki.

- iCrying Baby: Are you tired of your baby doing things? Do his or her needs constantly get in the way of your watching the big game or spending a whole day at the mall? Well, now you can turn that inconsiderate little mess factory off with the iCrying Baby app. The fine folks of Zork Networks are willing to hand you the mute button to your little bundle of angst for just $2.99. That's right! If you can hack your way through the grammatical overgrowth in that jungle of a description, you too, can have the luxury of ignoring your baby indefinitely. When that bugger starts whining about sleep or messy diapers or, heaven forbid, food, just flip the switch on your respective device, and the app will emit a soothing ambiance, scienriffically designed to mimic the sounds of the womb. This will immediately calm your baby, lulling it into a state of delusional contentment that will last as long as your battery (so keep your wall charger handy! ;D).

Seriously... come on, people. Would a little more actual parenting kill you? I mean, that "ambiance" is probably just the whispered sobs of that poor baby trapped inside this sadistic app's background.

Saddest. Eyes. Ever.

- Fingerprint Security - Pro: First of all, I'm not sure why the "Pro" is tacked on there, since there seem to be no other versions of this app available. Also, it's not "professional" at all, in the sense that it doesn't do what its title claims. Why? Because the iPod/iPhone/iPad have no fingerprint scanning capabilities. The description even mentions that you'll be tricking your "friends" into thinking your new phone or mp3 player is cooler than it actually is. The app just recognizes when a finger is touching it, and roughly were on the screen. You are solely responsible for setting in the options menu whether or not you want the device to grant or deny access. So, if you want to show your friends that it works for you, you'll have a nice little awkward pause while you hide in the bathroom going "No, hang on! You can't try it yet, it's...... recalibrating! Just, go away for a sec. Don't look!" as you reset it to deny the next user's access. At that point, considering that most people by now already know that the iPhone is completely incapable of sophisticated biometrics (it is a phone after all), if your friends are still happily strung along, you probably need to childproof your house again. Also, you may as well just put your phone behind a glass case and call it a "security feature".

"Holy cow! Mikey, you have the coolest phone!"

- Great Decisions: Here is an actual quote from the Great Decisions app site about some of the miraculous things it can do for you, Mr. or Mrs. Indecisive (or Miss, too, if you're gonna get picky).

"Here are some ways you can put Great Decisions™ to work immediately:

• Buying a new car or home
• Who to hire
• Who to layoff
• What investment property to buy
• Which washer and dryer to buy
• Which software package to purchase
• What university or school to attend
• Who feels like the right person to date
• What stereo to buy
• and hundreds of other decisions that may come up!"

The site insists that the app is meant to take the stress out of all your decisions. The inherent problem here is that several of the considerations mentioned above are supposed to be stressful - they are huge decisions that require time, discussion, and thorough contemplation; they are absolutely not meant to be taken lightly. When I use text formatting at three separate points in one sentence, you know this is serious business. Anywho, burdens like "which freaking house to buy" really aren't the kind of life-shaping events that anyone with half a brain could really recommend you throw to the whims and fancies of a $4 phone application.

"Gosh, wow. I don't know, honey. It's awfully expensive. Buuut, the iPhone does seem to like it..."

Also, matters of employment should probably be reviewed by a trained Human Resources department, not a $4 phone application - gah! you wouldn't think it was rocket science (or even plant science for that matter).

"Richard, I know you've faithfully served this company for over 30 years, but the iPad's in kind of a sour mood today, sooooo... pack up your crap and go home."

However, the most worrisome claim here was, in my opinion, that the app could "feel" who was the right person to date. Not only are you (again) blindly leaving potentially-life-altering decisions in the non-hands of a cold, calculating $4 phone application, but now its creators (or quite possibly the sentient program itself) are claiming that Great Decisions can actually read brainwaves and interpret human emotions and possibly even psychically cross into the forbidden future to properly gauge whether or not someone is wholly suited - nay, uniquely tailored by God Himself - to meet your lifelong needs of companionship, laughter, romance, encouragement, understanding, respect, and unconditional love. I for one, am just the slightest bit skeptical.