Speak Now or Become a Zombie: Guest Post From the Future!

So, since I'm way not cool or special enough to have a real person waste their time writing a guest post yet, I decided to ask my future self to write one for me. Unfortunately, by that point, I had become too cool and special (and douchey, apparently), and I refused to help "present me" in any way, shape, or form. But I put myself in touch with another dude from the future, Dennis. He was nice enough to give me some of the details about how fresh the future is, as well as some of the horrors that await us as a species...

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy!!! What's bubblin' dudes and dudettes? So, I'm Dennis, and I'm writin' to you geeks and freaks from 2037. Your friend, Adam, is gonna be turning 49 soon. His surprise b-day party is being held at Leapin' Lizards I think (yeah, they're still around), so shhh. Now, I'm sure you're all probably wondering about the big questions like "who became President?", "who wins the Super Bowl?", "are there flying cars?", and "when do they revive Walt Disney's corpse and establish the Fourth Reich?" All legitimate questions, but I think there are several, more important issues you may also be interested in along the way. Probably the biggest happening in the past few decades (aside from the Bacon Shortage of 2025, which I'll get to shortly) was the Zombie Wars. I know we all joked about it as kids; maybe some of us actually dreamed of the day we would fight back wave after wave of the undead with nothing more than a shotgun, a Beretta, and a blood-soaked machete. Well, you will get your wish, fair citizen, and so much more.

In 2018 (oh, yeah, that Mayan calendar thing was shikkins [crap], btw!), the Zombie Virus (aka Axiom 4) was discovered when every STD and HIV on planet Earth converged on a single human being. It was one of the Jonas Brothers, I don't remember which. He was patient zero, though. And damn did it spread. The outbreaks seemed random and were super hard to contain. A number of states reestablished their militias, and Texas even initiated a state-wide policy of "shoot on suspicion" that, cruel as it may sound, actually saved a considerable amount of lives, especially in the early months of the War. There's actually a really famous, profound, intense, and soberingly beautiful photograph taken toward the end of the first year of fighting. We've got some new file types these days, so hopefully all my pictures translate backwards.

Always gets me choked up.

Anywho, the Zombie Wars stretched on for five years until the last remaining undead were either killed or captured for museum exhibits. Now, this particular strain of the Axiom virus infected a lot of animals, but oddly enough, pigs were immune - (as a side note, I can say from personal experience that zombie whales breaking the surface to devour boats full of people is about the creepiest freaking thing I've ever seen). In any case, pigs became a new staple food, and Jewish people ended up investing a lot in bread. Not only did ham, pork, sausage, and bacon become everyday meals, but pigs proved to be the perfect distractions for hungry zombie hordes should one need to escape. Unfortunately, by 2025, pigs were all but extinct and their most important and delicious byproduct, bacon, with them. And so, the Bacon Shortage swept across almost every continent (turns out penguins weren't much into pigs to begin with), and Jewish bread stocks became vital stops on every post-apocalyptic vacation.

Here's me and my sister at just such a bread stock. Pretty ritzy.

We've obviously rebuilt society since, and people are more-or-less flourishing again. A number of forward-thinking folks saved some of their livestock in fallout shelters and waited out the zombie storm with them, so we've been slowly repopulating what animals we can. Hamburgers are still a bit of a rarity, but they're making a comeback. As far as other notable events, the Cubs actually win the World Series in 2033; Vice President Bieber was assassinated 8 separate and simultaneous times at his inauguration (2 snipers, 1 hand grenade, 2 different ninja stars, 1 jetpack kamikaze, 1 bomb under the stage, and some guy who actually brought a harpoon gun.); Tim Burton and Johnny Depp got married briefly (bromance or not, it was still a celebrity marriage); Lady Gaga went back to playing piano jazz; North Korea converted to Catholicism; Walt Disney's corpse was reanimated, but all he really wanted to do was pilot a steamboat (*shrug*); and Lucas finally made Episodes 7, 8, and 9, finishing just a few months before his zombification. They actually weren't bad.

I'd offer more practical advice, but I'm pretty sure there were only, like, twelve [thousands of] people who ever visited this site. There's really not a whole lot else I can say about the future (it sounds weird calling it that, but whatevs). We had a brief stint with a few flying car models, but the parking construction industry was slow to catch up, and there were a number of incidents with cars lazily parked in 30th-story office windows.

Like so.

Zombie-based video games are the new WWII shooters. There have been 6 Call of Duty: Undead titles alone. Companies around the world are cashing in on the Z-craze. Even Jelly Belly got in on the action, with a gross-out line of "brains", "human flesh", and "blood" flavored jelly beans. And just when we thought the vampire fad was finally dying out. Oh, and speaking of candy, eat all the chocolate you can, while you can. Don't ask why. Just do it. You'll thank me later. Okay, kiddies. I think that about wraps things up for me! I've gotta get back to making love to my hot robot wife! Hahaha, just foolin'.

She's not programmed to love.